Song of the Moment:
"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Frozen
So I’ve been thinking about the girl a lot. The girl I wrote about last time. Nicole.
I have grown up quite a bit over the past 2 years. I feel like the same person deep down – the same shy, not-quite-so-confident, nice guy that I’ve always been. I’ve always known how to act – the difference between right and wrong.
But I’m so much more grateful. I have been lucky beyond anything that I deserve and I have come to a point where I can appreciate that, cherish it, and tell it to those that have had a part in it. I’m more passionate. I was once in a place where “Rely on no one, be affected by no one” was my personal motto. Literally. I read that quote in an issue of Sports Illustrated, tore it out, and pinned it to my wall at college.
No longer.
Nicole loved me. Even though she knew I wasn’t going to say it back to her, she said it to me. And she showed it. She showed it while we were going out. She showed it while I was pulling away. She showed it, even, while I was being a prick.
I have been granted the love of 2 women. And the way I figure it, that’s 2 more than a lot of people get in their lifetime. And even though both of them are in entirely different places now, no words can possibly express how deeply thankful and blessed I feel because of their love.
The night that Abby and I danced out in that gazebo – she spoke words to me that simultaneously broke my heart a little as well as uplifted me.
“It would be so easy to fall in love with you, Jonathan. But that’s not where God wants me to go.”
Oh, I cannot describe to you how devastated I was. At the time, I was so sure that we were meant to be together. However, that was not Abby’s purpose in my life. Her purpose was to start me on the journey back to my Father. I was ruined, but at that moment, I also knew that I was dancing with someone who I didn’t deserve to dance with, and so I should soak in the moment just as much as humanly possible.
Similarly, I now see much more clearly just how amazing Nicole was and is still. Part of me cannot help but wonder whether all of this will come full-circle. We’re in vastly different parts of our lives right now. But what if?
What if we couldn’t be together the first time because we – or rather, I – simply had some growing up to do?
I came across a picture the other day of her and I. A few years ago, at my sister’s wedding (and yes, Nicole did catch the bouquet). In the picture, we’re dancing. Her hand in mine. My arm around the small of her back. Noses almost touching.
And we’re off to the side, almost as if in the picture by pure accident. It seems as if the picture wasn’t supposed to be of us, but somehow, that moment simply had to be caught.
Frozen in time by Fate.
I have grown up quite a bit over the past 2 years. I feel like the same person deep down – the same shy, not-quite-so-confident, nice guy that I’ve always been. I’ve always known how to act – the difference between right and wrong.
But I’m so much more grateful. I have been lucky beyond anything that I deserve and I have come to a point where I can appreciate that, cherish it, and tell it to those that have had a part in it. I’m more passionate. I was once in a place where “Rely on no one, be affected by no one” was my personal motto. Literally. I read that quote in an issue of Sports Illustrated, tore it out, and pinned it to my wall at college.
No longer.
Nicole loved me. Even though she knew I wasn’t going to say it back to her, she said it to me. And she showed it. She showed it while we were going out. She showed it while I was pulling away. She showed it, even, while I was being a prick.
I have been granted the love of 2 women. And the way I figure it, that’s 2 more than a lot of people get in their lifetime. And even though both of them are in entirely different places now, no words can possibly express how deeply thankful and blessed I feel because of their love.
The night that Abby and I danced out in that gazebo – she spoke words to me that simultaneously broke my heart a little as well as uplifted me.
“It would be so easy to fall in love with you, Jonathan. But that’s not where God wants me to go.”
Oh, I cannot describe to you how devastated I was. At the time, I was so sure that we were meant to be together. However, that was not Abby’s purpose in my life. Her purpose was to start me on the journey back to my Father. I was ruined, but at that moment, I also knew that I was dancing with someone who I didn’t deserve to dance with, and so I should soak in the moment just as much as humanly possible.
Similarly, I now see much more clearly just how amazing Nicole was and is still. Part of me cannot help but wonder whether all of this will come full-circle. We’re in vastly different parts of our lives right now. But what if?
What if we couldn’t be together the first time because we – or rather, I – simply had some growing up to do?
I came across a picture the other day of her and I. A few years ago, at my sister’s wedding (and yes, Nicole did catch the bouquet). In the picture, we’re dancing. Her hand in mine. My arm around the small of her back. Noses almost touching.
And we’re off to the side, almost as if in the picture by pure accident. It seems as if the picture wasn’t supposed to be of us, but somehow, that moment simply had to be caught.
Frozen in time by Fate.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Old Rockers
So this is gonna sound weird because I’ve never listened to a single song by this artist that I can recall.
But Neil Diamond’s new CD – 12 Songs – is one hell of a record.
My dad introduced me to it over Christmas break. He said all of these old rockers are hitting mid-life and getting sentimental. They’ve spent their lives looking all over for the meaning of life. For Truth. Peace. Love.
In many ways, I feel like I’ve already had my mid-life crisis. It’s odd, really. I’m only half way there in terms of years, but considering all my life experiences, I feel far older than my years suggest.
Perhaps it’s a curse. Perhaps it’s a blessing. But I feel like I know exactly what Neil is singing about. It’s been a long and winding road that has led me thru the first 25 years of my life. I am unsure of where the road takes me now.
Of how it will unfold. Will it unfurl straight out in front of me for as long as I can see? Or will it take a sharp turn not a few yards out? Somehow, I get the feeling it will be the latter. I’m not sure I would want it any other way, to be honest.
Would you?
Think about it – would you want an ordinary and predictable road for all the days of your life?
Oh, and my personal favorite on the CD?
“Hell Yeah”
But Neil Diamond’s new CD – 12 Songs – is one hell of a record.
My dad introduced me to it over Christmas break. He said all of these old rockers are hitting mid-life and getting sentimental. They’ve spent their lives looking all over for the meaning of life. For Truth. Peace. Love.
In many ways, I feel like I’ve already had my mid-life crisis. It’s odd, really. I’m only half way there in terms of years, but considering all my life experiences, I feel far older than my years suggest.
Perhaps it’s a curse. Perhaps it’s a blessing. But I feel like I know exactly what Neil is singing about. It’s been a long and winding road that has led me thru the first 25 years of my life. I am unsure of where the road takes me now.
Of how it will unfold. Will it unfurl straight out in front of me for as long as I can see? Or will it take a sharp turn not a few yards out? Somehow, I get the feeling it will be the latter. I’m not sure I would want it any other way, to be honest.
Would you?
Think about it – would you want an ordinary and predictable road for all the days of your life?
Oh, and my personal favorite on the CD?
“Hell Yeah”
Friday, January 13, 2006
Bumper Sticker Brilliance
“War Is Not The Answer”
In a perfect world filled with perfect people, perhaps that statement would be true. But Uptopia, we do not live in.
War is not the answer. Ask the European Jewish population during World War II if that statement is true. My grandfather was there, rushing the beaches at Normandy. He is one of only a handful of men still alive that were there that day. He was there to fight the bad guys – to save those that needed saving – and to right that which was wrong. Europeans cheered him and his comrades as they entered each city. He is a hero.
War is not the answer. Ask Scotland during the early 1300’s if that statement is true. Under the rule of England, they had no freedom. No – war was the ONLY answer. Someone had to stand up and fight for what England was not going to allow them to have. Scotland’s sons rushed the fields at Bannockburn to defy England. They paid the price for what generations since them have benefited from. They were heroes.
War is not the answer. Ask those men and women who were at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 if that statement is true. Japan launched a surprise attack on America that fateful day. Military leaders planned that attack while diplomats engaged in “peace talks” with America. The men and women that fought back that day did so with hands tied behind their backs. Ships were already sunk. Airfields were already leveled. Planes were already destroyed. Crippled – they were still heroes.
No one likes war. I cringe every single time I wake up to the news announcing how many people were killed by terrorists in Iraq the previous day.
I wish to God that bad guys did not exist. That there was no one to fight. But Evil exists and Good must rise up to face it.
Scotland didn’t pick that fight with England. My grandfather didn’t pick that fight with Hitler. America didn’t pick that fight with Japan. Freedom didn’t pick a fight with bin Laden or al-Zarqawi.
Japan. Nazi Germany. Oppressive England. They were all bullies.
Osama bin Laden. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Saddam Hussein. Bullies.
And since bullies only respond to strength, we all must be prepared to be much stronger.
I would love for someone to give “the answer”. What shall we do, sit down and have a cup of chai tea with Osama? I hope and pray that diplomacy will work in future situations – Iran, for example. But sometimes, someone simply has to stand up to the bullies.
In a perfect world filled with perfect people, perhaps that statement would be true. But Uptopia, we do not live in.
War is not the answer. Ask the European Jewish population during World War II if that statement is true. My grandfather was there, rushing the beaches at Normandy. He is one of only a handful of men still alive that were there that day. He was there to fight the bad guys – to save those that needed saving – and to right that which was wrong. Europeans cheered him and his comrades as they entered each city. He is a hero.
War is not the answer. Ask Scotland during the early 1300’s if that statement is true. Under the rule of England, they had no freedom. No – war was the ONLY answer. Someone had to stand up and fight for what England was not going to allow them to have. Scotland’s sons rushed the fields at Bannockburn to defy England. They paid the price for what generations since them have benefited from. They were heroes.
War is not the answer. Ask those men and women who were at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 if that statement is true. Japan launched a surprise attack on America that fateful day. Military leaders planned that attack while diplomats engaged in “peace talks” with America. The men and women that fought back that day did so with hands tied behind their backs. Ships were already sunk. Airfields were already leveled. Planes were already destroyed. Crippled – they were still heroes.
No one likes war. I cringe every single time I wake up to the news announcing how many people were killed by terrorists in Iraq the previous day.
I wish to God that bad guys did not exist. That there was no one to fight. But Evil exists and Good must rise up to face it.
Scotland didn’t pick that fight with England. My grandfather didn’t pick that fight with Hitler. America didn’t pick that fight with Japan. Freedom didn’t pick a fight with bin Laden or al-Zarqawi.
Japan. Nazi Germany. Oppressive England. They were all bullies.
Osama bin Laden. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Saddam Hussein. Bullies.
And since bullies only respond to strength, we all must be prepared to be much stronger.
I would love for someone to give “the answer”. What shall we do, sit down and have a cup of chai tea with Osama? I hope and pray that diplomacy will work in future situations – Iran, for example. But sometimes, someone simply has to stand up to the bullies.
Monday, January 02, 2006
She...
The other night, I was talking to one of my ex-girlfriends. Her current boyfriend of a year had just told her he needed some time off. That some things between he and his ex were still unresolved.
“So....this is the second time a guy has left me for a girl.”
The words broke my heart. I know who the first guy was and I’ll give you one guess to figure it out. I hurt her deeply and I carried that burden for a long, long time. She has forgiven me and that has allowed me to forgive myself. Still, I wish I could erase all that pain just like I wish I could erase the pain she feels now.
Later in the conversation, she made a statement that gave me pause. It was profound in more ways than one and I am grateful I was there to receive those words.
“The one thing in life that I want more than anything...is to be loved. Nothing in the world is greater. And I haven’t had that and I don’t think I’ll ever have that.”
Oh, how that statement pierced my heart. My eyes welled up and I immediately felt 2 very distinct sensations. I felt like a failure. And I felt uplifted.
Failure – Apparently, I never expressed my love for her clearly enough. I know I never said those 3 little words, simply out of pride. But I do love her. I loved her then and I love her, quite possibly, more now. I wish she knew that when we were together.
Uplifted – She gets it. She actually gets it and that fills me with a hope and purity that no words can express. Friends. Family. Soul mates. Nothing in the world is greater than to be loved. No writer or poet could have said it better than she did.
I remember how we spent our first Valentine’s Day together. I coaxed her dorm mate into giving us their room for the night. Before we left for dinner, I secretly did some redecorating and placed some roses upon the bed.
Back from dinner, she found a special touch to those roses. Pinned to their stems, I had written notes with the things that I loved most about her.
Even though it was my hand writing those notes, all of it came from her. It was she that inspired me to do that. That is the thing that is so special about a woman. She is uplifting. She is inspiring. She is beauty.
She is the pinnacle of Creation.
“So....this is the second time a guy has left me for a girl.”
The words broke my heart. I know who the first guy was and I’ll give you one guess to figure it out. I hurt her deeply and I carried that burden for a long, long time. She has forgiven me and that has allowed me to forgive myself. Still, I wish I could erase all that pain just like I wish I could erase the pain she feels now.
Later in the conversation, she made a statement that gave me pause. It was profound in more ways than one and I am grateful I was there to receive those words.
“The one thing in life that I want more than anything...is to be loved. Nothing in the world is greater. And I haven’t had that and I don’t think I’ll ever have that.”
Oh, how that statement pierced my heart. My eyes welled up and I immediately felt 2 very distinct sensations. I felt like a failure. And I felt uplifted.
Failure – Apparently, I never expressed my love for her clearly enough. I know I never said those 3 little words, simply out of pride. But I do love her. I loved her then and I love her, quite possibly, more now. I wish she knew that when we were together.
Uplifted – She gets it. She actually gets it and that fills me with a hope and purity that no words can express. Friends. Family. Soul mates. Nothing in the world is greater than to be loved. No writer or poet could have said it better than she did.
I remember how we spent our first Valentine’s Day together. I coaxed her dorm mate into giving us their room for the night. Before we left for dinner, I secretly did some redecorating and placed some roses upon the bed.
Back from dinner, she found a special touch to those roses. Pinned to their stems, I had written notes with the things that I loved most about her.
Even though it was my hand writing those notes, all of it came from her. It was she that inspired me to do that. That is the thing that is so special about a woman. She is uplifting. She is inspiring. She is beauty.
She is the pinnacle of Creation.
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