I have no idea what I've gotten myself into, but a big "Thank You" goes out to all of you that have given support and words of wisdom.

I leave Thursday at 2:20 p.m. and I honestly don't know what to do.

There is a massive struggle going on inside this mind and body of mine. It's like one of those huge battle scenes in Braveheart or Gladiator - the mass of men from opposite sides of the field rush towards each other, colliding in one big wave at the center.

"Don't go...back out. Sure, you're out eight hundred bucks, but it's a helluva lot safer than going over there. You're crazy for thinking this will work. You can't do it - you don't have what it takes."

"Man, this is gonna be the best. You're gonna have a load of fun and you're doing something that you'll likely never be able to do again. Everyone who knows you're doing this has expressed their desire to do something similar - how cool it is - and how much they admire you for doing it. Take advantage. You can do it - you have what it takes."

The dialogue just keeps getting louder and louder. Deafening, almost.

I'm cutting internet service off tomorrow, so no more posts. Maybe for a while. But I'll be back...somewhere on the opposite end of this.

Thank You, again.

Why?

I sit alone in a room at night. Trying to divert my attention from the reality that is set in front of me. Part of it I have created for myself. Part of it, I have not.

The diversions do not last. I think about the things that I am leaving behind. I think of the things that I WISH I was leaving behind. And of the things that I wish I did not have to leave behind.

I sometimes wonder how certain people would feel if I died. What would be the lasting impression? What would it mean to them?

Would they be sad? Devastated? Relieved? Unconcerned??

In some ways, I feel like I HAVE to move away from here - so that when I come back, I can move forward from here.

I haven't had an Honest-to-God serious relationship with a girl since Nicole.

Abby - oh, Abby ended up not being in my life for a girlfriend role. She had a different part to play.
Jaime - well, that was just one very messy scenario.
Jenn - sure, we dated for a while, but there was nothing there. It was a relationship born out of convenience.
Kasha - see above.
Amanda - she and I had a whirlwind of a romance last summer. What my dad called serendipity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it became clear to us both that it was not meant to be.

Maybe I'm waiting for her to come back to me. I honestly do not know anymore. I know that it's been increasingly difficult for me to show interest, at least initially, in a girl. It's almost as if I have to fight my instincts.

Maybe she played a part in my decision to leave. I honestly don't know that either. I haven't seen her in over a year and a half. I haven't heard her voice in almost that long. We talk over IM every now and then. But what is that? Is that real?

You would think her face would have vanished from my mind's eye. Far from it.

She has a different life now. A life to plan and work for and LIVE.

I do not have a place in it any longer.

Perhaps that is why I am leaving…

The Day is in 2 weeks.


Buyer's Remorse is setting in.

I'm freakin out.

A Choice

Rome Colosseum and Arch of Constantine, originally uploaded by uncsuperman.

For some time now, I have been frozen by the grip of Indecision. Unsure of what to do, where to go, and what to make of my life.

Perhaps this is not the right decision. Perhaps this path will be short-lived. Who knows? Until you try?

But come late March, I will be off to Rome. I will embark on a path and become certified to teach English as a Foreign Language. Ever since my Spring Break trip there during junior year in high school, I have been in love with Italy. My journey this past summer only reaffirmed what I already felt.

Her glory. Her beauty. Her mystique.

Part of me wants to live there and experience her culture. I want to finally learn the Italian language. I want to immerse myself in the art and architecture and deep history of that place.

Part of me wants to teach. I want to influence young lives in the best way that I can and I want the freedoms that come with being a teacher. I want to coach. This will give me an avenue into that.

And part of me feels like there is nothing left for me here right now. I feel alone - standing against the horizon, with the weight of love, disappointment, loss and beauty pressing down on my shoulders.

Thomas Wolfe said that you can never go home again. Even though I love his writing, and even though he’s a fellow North Carolina graduate, I tend to disagree with him on that.

I think you can go home again. And I think that home can be any number of places. My heart loves this place that I am in right now – the place I grew up in. It loves Chapel Hill just as passionately.

But I think it may be time for another stage to begin. I don’t want to leave my family. My friends. Tara or Nicole. Or my little niece, Victoria. I don’t want to miss Tar Heel basketball. I would love to be in Chapel Hill with all my friends and live it up.

However, sometimes, you just have a feeling.

I may stay for 3 months. I may stay for 3 years. I do not know where the path turns next. In truth, I am terrified. You could say that I have something of a fear of commitment. I had serious problems signing the lease to the townhouse that me and 6 of my college boys stayed in our senior year.

So, to say that I struggled with putting the $500 deposit down for this course would be an understatement. But several weeks ago I finally heard from a mutual friend who did this same thing and recommended this particular company. And the last few weeks at church, the messages have been about seizing the day, trusting in the Father, and asking yourself the right questions.

Do not ask “how?” “How?” is a question for skeptics. A question for the timid. I will not be timid. “How?” is God’s domain. That’s the question for him to answer.

Rather, ask yourself “What?” As in what do you want? What will make you come alive? What is it that your heart cries out for? That is our domain.

I want to live in Italy. Among the glory of Rome, the beautiful structures, the undeniable history, the romance.

I want to act. Not for the fame or the money. Actually, I think I’d rather dislike the fame. But stepping into and out of different situations, people, and places is quite a bit of fun. I want to explore different stories – I want to be part of them. Oh, how I love it.

So my life is set to change dramatically very soon. I know a few people who will be in that part of the world. Perhaps our paths will cross. Perhaps not.

This should be interesting.