I fight myself - it seems like - on a daily basis.
It's been, what, 4 years since I last had a serious, serious relationship?!?
4 years since I last trusted myself with another person.
4 years since I last believed in myself with another person.
4 years since I last wholly trusted another person.
It was a conscientious decision, to be sure. But circumstances that occurred after the decision simply made it easier to follow thru with the course of action.
And so here I am - a man who's not spent more than 2 consecutive months with the same girl in the last 4 years of his life - and I'm pushing 3 months with this ever-so-unexpected girl from Rome.
She's just about as sweet as they come. She's honest with me. She tells me her dreams and her fears. She's not afraid to smile and laugh and kiss me with abandon. She's not afraid to cry in front of me, either.
She does things - like tells me her ex-boyfriend called her - with such aloofness that it's obvious she expects me to care even less than she does. Obvious that there's no reason not to trust her. And there isn't. When I take time to step outside and think, that point becomes quite clear.
But the knee-jerk reaction still dwells somewhere deep inside me. Left over from the mistakes that I've made and the daggers to the heart that I've taken. Sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes, frustrated. Sometimes still, I close up.
But I'm trying. I swear to God, I am.
I see a battle on the horizon, to be honest.
10 comments:
remember to look at your relationship through her eyes just every once in a while. Chances are she has the same doubts and fears, for as honest as she is with you, there's always more underneath. and if a lifetime of happiness with one person is your goal, you're just barely getting to know her. I can't help the cliche- Rome wasn't built in a day. Nor is trust, nor is a good relationship. If it were otherwise than people like me who have been married for practically a decade (AND since the ripe old age of 19) wouldn't fight, wouldn't doubt each other and themselves on a regular basis about a slew of things. Today I doubted my ability to be a good mother. Yesterday, I doubted my husband's ability to lift his son up emotionally. Last week I doubted our ability to EVER quit fighting about money. Nine and a half years ago, I doubted my marriage would see its second anniversary. Don't ever expect doubts to go away- they are always there but the object changes. Learn to deal with them. And let her help you.
JT - as looney as it may sound, this could be one of those occasions.
christa - i try, i really really do. when i'm alone and i'm thinking or writing or listening to music, i think about what all she has done for me. i think about her ex-boyfriend of like 18 months that she broke up with. i think about how damn difficult it must be to focus for hours on end, speaking a language that is not native to you, merely so you can spend time with a boy from America. i think about how many times she's driven across this impossible-to-drive-across-city, just to get to me or take me back to my apartment. and you're right, she has similar fears as i do. i'm just more terrified of mine than she is of hers, i think. i've had all sorts of relationships, but i think i'm only now starting to understand what it takes to have a relationship that lasts. it's a decision. sure, love must be at the center of it all, but if you don't make a firm decision that you will make it work, then it won't. i don't think i've ever considered that perspective before now.
the Enemy just keeps shooting darts at me, like John Eldredge says. my weakness is "the girl's past" - her ex-boyfriends. it's so stupid and irrelevant, i know. but that's it, and that's where i'm taking all the hits with Valeria.
HEY! I am sorry I missed you on IM--Found my daughter, then had to get a kid ready for football... IM me when you see me on again! So sorry!
who was her ex? Fabio? Brad Pitt? It doesn't matter what her past holds, it matters whether or not her future holds you. Don't get all wrapped up dwelling on a past you were not a part of, and its not fair to harbor feelings of resentment for her past because you have one too. That's a stupid reason to lose someone, or to not enjoy the limited amount of time you have in proximity to them.
oh, and you are right- it is a decision. If it weren't, I'd be divorced.
oh, and- (last comment) that decision needs to include your faith, because you can't make that decision alone. So pray about it.
As my advice tends to be more negative and irresponsible than it should be, I'll just again encourage you to hang in there, use your best judgment, and see what happens.
i am, quite simply, the most spoiled man on the planet
if i don't get my sh#t together, i'm gonna screw this one up - royaly
Well, if you're going to screw up, at least you won't be doing a half-ass job. See, I can be positive sometimes.
Battles can be worth it.
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