Frozen

So I’ve been thinking about the girl a lot. The girl I wrote about last time. Nicole.

I have grown up quite a bit over the past 2 years. I feel like the same person deep down – the same shy, not-quite-so-confident, nice guy that I’ve always been. I’ve always known how to act – the difference between right and wrong.

But I’m so much more grateful. I have been lucky beyond anything that I deserve and I have come to a point where I can appreciate that, cherish it, and tell it to those that have had a part in it. I’m more passionate. I was once in a place where “Rely on no one, be affected by no one” was my personal motto. Literally. I read that quote in an issue of Sports Illustrated, tore it out, and pinned it to my wall at college.

No longer.

Nicole loved me. Even though she knew I wasn’t going to say it back to her, she said it to me. And she showed it. She showed it while we were going out. She showed it while I was pulling away. She showed it, even, while I was being a prick.

I have been granted the love of 2 women. And the way I figure it, that’s 2 more than a lot of people get in their lifetime. And even though both of them are in entirely different places now, no words can possibly express how deeply thankful and blessed I feel because of their love.

The night that Abby and I danced out in that gazebo – she spoke words to me that simultaneously broke my heart a little as well as uplifted me.

“It would be so easy to fall in love with you, Jonathan. But that’s not where God wants me to go.”

Oh, I cannot describe to you how devastated I was. At the time, I was so sure that we were meant to be together. However, that was not Abby’s purpose in my life. Her purpose was to start me on the journey back to my Father. I was ruined, but at that moment, I also knew that I was dancing with someone who I didn’t deserve to dance with, and so I should soak in the moment just as much as humanly possible.

Similarly, I now see much more clearly just how amazing Nicole was and is still. Part of me cannot help but wonder whether all of this will come full-circle. We’re in vastly different parts of our lives right now. But what if?

What if we couldn’t be together the first time because we – or rather, I – simply had some growing up to do?

I came across a picture the other day of her and I. A few years ago, at my sister’s wedding (and yes, Nicole did catch the bouquet). In the picture, we’re dancing. Her hand in mine. My arm around the small of her back. Noses almost touching.

And we’re off to the side, almost as if in the picture by pure accident. It seems as if the picture wasn’t supposed to be of us, but somehow, that moment simply had to be caught.

Frozen in time by Fate.