The other night, I was talking to one of my ex-girlfriends. Her current boyfriend of a year had just told her he needed some time off. That some things between he and his ex were still unresolved.
“So....this is the second time a guy has left me for a girl.”
The words broke my heart. I know who the first guy was and I’ll give you one guess to figure it out. I hurt her deeply and I carried that burden for a long, long time. She has forgiven me and that has allowed me to forgive myself. Still, I wish I could erase all that pain just like I wish I could erase the pain she feels now.
Later in the conversation, she made a statement that gave me pause. It was profound in more ways than one and I am grateful I was there to receive those words.
“The one thing in life that I want more than anything...is to be loved. Nothing in the world is greater. And I haven’t had that and I don’t think I’ll ever have that.”
Oh, how that statement pierced my heart. My eyes welled up and I immediately felt 2 very distinct sensations. I felt like a failure. And I felt uplifted.
Failure – Apparently, I never expressed my love for her clearly enough. I know I never said those 3 little words, simply out of pride. But I do love her. I loved her then and I love her, quite possibly, more now. I wish she knew that when we were together.
Uplifted – She gets it. She actually gets it and that fills me with a hope and purity that no words can express. Friends. Family. Soul mates. Nothing in the world is greater than to be loved. No writer or poet could have said it better than she did.
I remember how we spent our first Valentine’s Day together. I coaxed her dorm mate into giving us their room for the night. Before we left for dinner, I secretly did some redecorating and placed some roses upon the bed.
Back from dinner, she found a special touch to those roses. Pinned to their stems, I had written notes with the things that I loved most about her.
Even though it was my hand writing those notes, all of it came from her. It was she that inspired me to do that. That is the thing that is so special about a woman. She is uplifting. She is inspiring. She is beauty.
She is the pinnacle of Creation.
12 comments:
Boy, you seem to have read Eldredge closely. I was reading Sacred Romance again--great book--and you're starting to talk like him.
I know how it is to be young and romantic; I used to do the same stuff, for seven years of dating and probably the first five years of marriage. That means Wendy got 12 years of really top-notch romance, flowers with notes on each one, sleigh rides, sonnets written in her honor, all that. Then we had our first child and she stole my heart. And the second is just something else. Now with only two, I'm almost a useless excuse for a husband as far as a wife desperate for romance is concerned. On the plus side, we're not Ron and Nancy--our kids will never feel neglected because of our obsessive/possessive love for each other. But I'm really trying to do better.
Keep that in mind when God gives you the one thing that can steal every man's heart, the uplifting, inspiring, beauty, the pinnacle of creation: a daughter.
Something I've learned, and you may pass on to her... God prepares our lives in a way that the people we meet, even if they leave, are always with us because they become part of us. Nothing is lost, even in a bad relationship, because we learn and grow. She wants to be loved. Let her know that she is... but we have to find a way to be happy sometimes first before we can see that love does exist. She'll need to grieve, to experience this as a loss, and she is blessed to have you as a friend that loves her to see her through.
JT - very well said.
steven - i'll be the first to tell you that i've read Eldredge closely and that he most definitely influences the way i feel and write. i can understand the "dropoff" of romance after being with someone a while. heck, that's happened to me and my longest relationship has been like 16 months. so kudos to you for lasting 12 years and for having the desire to reclaim some of that. i have no doubt that your children are blessed to have you as parents. and i do look forward to having a daughter.
christa - i agree with everything you said. i know that i learned a great, great deal in my relationship with her. i learned what it feels like to be in love, to be internally confused, to lose something that you cherish, and to want that thing back. and through our post-romantic relationship, i have experienced her unbelievable grace and i know that she possesses a lot of the qualities that i value in a woman. she is a marvel and she deserves the very best that God has to offer.
Hope everyone had a Happy New Year!
I agree with willow--but what if she thinks you want her back? Or maybe you do? That's the trouble with trying to encourage people sometimes. But I'm all for encouragement if there's no complications. Most girls would like being told they are "the pinnacle of creation."
Hey--Now THAT is good advice. (The above.) This E chick knows whereof she speaks.
willow - very true, indeed. i hope that, thru our conversations lately, i have provided her a lift and perspective already. although sending this too her would probably make her feel good, also.
steven - excellent points there. i don't think she would take it as me wanting to get her back. although, i'd be a lucky man if she ever were to take me back, i think she needs to sort thru some of the stuff she's going thru right now.
e - spot on, as always.
And with that i'm off to visit my beloved Chapel Hill for the weekend.
"I'm a Tar Heel born, I'm a Tar Heel bred, and when I die, I'm a Tar Heel dead....Rah Rah, Carolina-lina..."
Go Heels Go!
I'd rather be feared and respected than loved. This leads me to believe I have an excellent future as a dictator somewhere. I don't know if I should learn to speak Korean or Spanish...
I always thought the pinnacle of creation was aged Scotch. To each his own I suppose. Happy New Year.
The language of the coming dictators is Arabic. Allah Akbar! (jj)
(By the way, J.--new address for me: stevenwales.blogspot.com)
She is the pinnacle of Creation.
Then.Why.The.Hell.Did.You.Dump.Her?
??????????????????????????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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steven - what the?
MM - because i was young, and less mature than i had any right to be. and because i needed to learn quite a bit about myself before i could truly allow myself to love. i wasn't good enough for her then. and i've grown quite a bit since then.
Wow. You weren't good enough? Maybe you were just young/immature in some way. (The Arabic was in response to your morbid misanthrope--who never fails to interest me or make me laugh.)
On girls/guys whatever, the best advice I can give you is to re-read what E said above. Anything to do with 'being good enough' for someone probably has more to do with the issues she raised about seeking your fulfillment in Christ first.... I wish I could--maybe I will--steal her comments and endorse them on my own site.
Very nice thoughts, J. And a Happy New Year to you as well.
Like Steven said, if you want to encourage this girl, be sure to do it in such a way that she is not left confused about what your intentions are. Just sending a post like this without any other thoughts might send a different message than just encouragement, unless that's all she wants from you. But you know her well enough to know better than we do, so I'll shut up.
Read ya later...
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