The Beauty that I have experienced since May haunts me. Every day...every hour of my existence now is overwhelmed with thoughts and memories of this. They are countless - more than one person could possibly remember yet too many to possibly forget. On this website I have given you descriptions of only a small sample, and my words for those chosen few have been pitifully inadequate.
It is a Beauty that words simply cannot capture. I could enlist the talents of history's greatest writers, the people who paint vividly and fantastically with words, yet they too would fail miserably to express this Beauty.
Impossible to encapsulate - to define - to describe.
This Beauty is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have experienced a lot in my 26 years...however this is something wholly different and unique from everything else in my life.
I thought the sunset in Florence last summer was beautiful. I thought hearing "It's a Wonderful World" in Cologne was beautiful. Paris at dusk. Cinque Terre at...well, anytime of the day. The Alhambra, Capri, the Swiss Alps, the Grand Place in Brussels. Chapel Hill on a crisp autumn evening.
Viewed separately, in their own right, these things are in fact beautiful. But life is not lived in a vacuum. If you lose your job of 15 years, this seems a tragedy. However, if the following month you lose your spouse to cancer…certainly you will cease to think of your unemployment as a tragedy. For losing your job is nothing compared to losing your loved one.
Such is true here, as well.
All of it - everything up until now pales in this Beauty's light. There are many things that I have thought to be beautiful in my life. But life is not lived in a vacuum. And the scales have just been radically altered.
I have just stepped out of the light from the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. I fear – with every piece of my broken heart – that it will be the most beautiful thing I will ever see in my life. I fear that because it has passed. Because if that is true, then I must live the rest of my days knowing that I will never see a beauty quite as fantastic, quite as radiant and pure and innocent as this Beauty.
And that breaks my heart.
Again.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Reckoning
There is a girl.
A girl who, at this moment, is 4,000 miles away.
I met her in the most unlikely of circumstances...half-way across the globe from my home. A million miles from my life and my world and my normal.
Probably, the girl is not thinking of me.
But I am thinking of her.
I remember a time when she said:
The life is very strange. I want very much to find a man of my life. And now I find you and you are Americano. I don't understand.
I don't know how to reckon with this. Is there reason in this world? Is there chance or fate or destiny? Is it a game? Is it all just random? Is there a God?
I don't know anymore - I cannot reckon with this...
A girl who, at this moment, is 4,000 miles away.
I met her in the most unlikely of circumstances...half-way across the globe from my home. A million miles from my life and my world and my normal.
Probably, the girl is not thinking of me.
But I am thinking of her.
I remember a time when she said:
The life is very strange. I want very much to find a man of my life. And now I find you and you are Americano. I don't understand.
I don't know how to reckon with this. Is there reason in this world? Is there chance or fate or destiny? Is it a game? Is it all just random? Is there a God?
I don't know anymore - I cannot reckon with this...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Perchè?
I don’t know why I came to this city.
Maybe it was to avoid responsibility.
Maybe it was to be a different person.
Or to leave the past behind.
Or to be a teacher.
Or to live in a place so full of history and culture and art.
Maybe it was to find answers.
I hope it was not to find answers. Because I have not found them. In fact, I feel like I have even more questions now than ever.
I have been in this place – away from my home – for 8 months. I have met people from many different countries. I have seen those people come and go. I have seen this country win a World Cup. I have seen this country elect a new government and pass new laws. I have seen this city in ways that I never imagined I would see it. I have seen the graffiti and the homeless and the traffic. I have experienced the horrible public transportation. I have breathed the polluted air but I have not swum in the polluted sea. I have looked at this place with disgust, wonder, apathy and I have looked at it as if it were any other city in all the world – as if it were my own.
A few weeks ago, my family came to visit. My parents, 2 of my sisters, a brother-in-law, and my little niece, Victoria. She’s a lot bigger than I remember. A lot bigger than the last time I saw her back in March. I have missed so much.
Time passes without anyone’s permission. I have seen the seasons change in this city. I arrived during Spring’s beginning. The days were comfortable but the mornings and nights would chill you without a jacket. Everything was new for me and I navigated through this new life of mine with wide eyes and shaking hands. People came and then they left. Never could I have imagined or predicted what events would unfold during this new life stage. The sun rises every morning and with it a new day comes. We never know what the tide will bring in.
Spring somehow changed into summer without notice. It happened without notice because life was simply becoming more involving. A job came about just as quickly as one could hope for. At the time, I just wanted a job – it mattered not where or when or how much. However, those exact things – where and when – would prove to be quite meaningful in the days to come. There are literally hundreds of language schools in this city and I sent my resume to a good chunk of them. I could have worked at any number of schools and I could have met any number of different people. How many different paths could have unfolded in front of me? How many different situations or decisions could I have been faced with? I don’t know, perhaps the path that I found was the only one that existed. And perhaps I didn’t find the path as much as it found me. Perhaps. Whatever the truth is, this path has proven to be quite life altering.
I remember the exact moment when I first saw her name. But it was just a name on a piece of paper. A faceless, soulless, meaningless name that I would teach the English language to and forget. How many students have I had over the last 7 months? How many have come and gone? 200?? It only took my third class ever to change my life. And not just my life here in Rome – my Life. Tuesday, May 9th at 6 p.m. No matter what happens in the future, I will look back upon this period in my life, and I will inevitably think of the girl. She – We – will be forever imprinted upon my life. The trials and tribulations; the lessons; the moments of unfiltered Beauty; and the Affliction. How many language schools are there in this city again? Hundreds?? And how many teachers are at my particular school? 15?? 20??
Why was that particular name on my particular schedule? Why? What reason is there for that? Why was she taking a class during this particular period? Why had I decided to move to this place at this particular moment? Does it matter? Of all the language schools in all the cities in all the world – we had to walk into the same one at the same time.
And so here we are, starting yet another month. Fall has been a technicality and really Winter hasn’t taken hold just yet. It’s as if Mother Nature hasn’t quite decided what she wants in life. A stark parallel to my life right now.
It’s strange, really. The last 2 months have been just about as difficult as the first 3 were easy. And my God, were they easy. The girl talked about North Carolina and the future and how perfect the days were with me. She must have asked me 100 times: “You want married me??” Everything was clear. She wanted me and she wanted a life with me. She told me – almost every day – not to leave Rome. It wouldn’t be fair and her life would be horrible without me.
And then we experienced a huge, huge shift in September for some reason. It’s something I’m still not clear on, but when I told her that I was staying and my parents were selling my car – something changed. In these two months, she’s told me that she never loved me, that she loved me at one time and that she’s only happy when she dreams of life in North Carolina. She has told me that I give her the power to continue to live and she has asked me not to leave her. She has said more things. Somehow, reality found us and has been doing it’s damned best to take us out.
Maybe…just maybe, I’m starting to understand now. Maybe all the dreaming was easy at first – easy because it was so unrealistic. Admittedly, the circumstances surrounding our relationship have been quite fantastic. It has lent itself well to the dreaming.
Nevertheless…I am coming back to this city after Christmas. Probably, I will be coming back to a different place than I left. It’s possible that the girl and I will not stay together for much longer and I could be on another journey – Alone.
Maybe it was to avoid responsibility.
Maybe it was to be a different person.
Or to leave the past behind.
Or to be a teacher.
Or to live in a place so full of history and culture and art.
Maybe it was to find answers.
I hope it was not to find answers. Because I have not found them. In fact, I feel like I have even more questions now than ever.
I have been in this place – away from my home – for 8 months. I have met people from many different countries. I have seen those people come and go. I have seen this country win a World Cup. I have seen this country elect a new government and pass new laws. I have seen this city in ways that I never imagined I would see it. I have seen the graffiti and the homeless and the traffic. I have experienced the horrible public transportation. I have breathed the polluted air but I have not swum in the polluted sea. I have looked at this place with disgust, wonder, apathy and I have looked at it as if it were any other city in all the world – as if it were my own.
A few weeks ago, my family came to visit. My parents, 2 of my sisters, a brother-in-law, and my little niece, Victoria. She’s a lot bigger than I remember. A lot bigger than the last time I saw her back in March. I have missed so much.
Time passes without anyone’s permission. I have seen the seasons change in this city. I arrived during Spring’s beginning. The days were comfortable but the mornings and nights would chill you without a jacket. Everything was new for me and I navigated through this new life of mine with wide eyes and shaking hands. People came and then they left. Never could I have imagined or predicted what events would unfold during this new life stage. The sun rises every morning and with it a new day comes. We never know what the tide will bring in.
Spring somehow changed into summer without notice. It happened without notice because life was simply becoming more involving. A job came about just as quickly as one could hope for. At the time, I just wanted a job – it mattered not where or when or how much. However, those exact things – where and when – would prove to be quite meaningful in the days to come. There are literally hundreds of language schools in this city and I sent my resume to a good chunk of them. I could have worked at any number of schools and I could have met any number of different people. How many different paths could have unfolded in front of me? How many different situations or decisions could I have been faced with? I don’t know, perhaps the path that I found was the only one that existed. And perhaps I didn’t find the path as much as it found me. Perhaps. Whatever the truth is, this path has proven to be quite life altering.
I remember the exact moment when I first saw her name. But it was just a name on a piece of paper. A faceless, soulless, meaningless name that I would teach the English language to and forget. How many students have I had over the last 7 months? How many have come and gone? 200?? It only took my third class ever to change my life. And not just my life here in Rome – my Life. Tuesday, May 9th at 6 p.m. No matter what happens in the future, I will look back upon this period in my life, and I will inevitably think of the girl. She – We – will be forever imprinted upon my life. The trials and tribulations; the lessons; the moments of unfiltered Beauty; and the Affliction. How many language schools are there in this city again? Hundreds?? And how many teachers are at my particular school? 15?? 20??
Why was that particular name on my particular schedule? Why? What reason is there for that? Why was she taking a class during this particular period? Why had I decided to move to this place at this particular moment? Does it matter? Of all the language schools in all the cities in all the world – we had to walk into the same one at the same time.
And so here we are, starting yet another month. Fall has been a technicality and really Winter hasn’t taken hold just yet. It’s as if Mother Nature hasn’t quite decided what she wants in life. A stark parallel to my life right now.
It’s strange, really. The last 2 months have been just about as difficult as the first 3 were easy. And my God, were they easy. The girl talked about North Carolina and the future and how perfect the days were with me. She must have asked me 100 times: “You want married me??” Everything was clear. She wanted me and she wanted a life with me. She told me – almost every day – not to leave Rome. It wouldn’t be fair and her life would be horrible without me.
And then we experienced a huge, huge shift in September for some reason. It’s something I’m still not clear on, but when I told her that I was staying and my parents were selling my car – something changed. In these two months, she’s told me that she never loved me, that she loved me at one time and that she’s only happy when she dreams of life in North Carolina. She has told me that I give her the power to continue to live and she has asked me not to leave her. She has said more things. Somehow, reality found us and has been doing it’s damned best to take us out.
Maybe…just maybe, I’m starting to understand now. Maybe all the dreaming was easy at first – easy because it was so unrealistic. Admittedly, the circumstances surrounding our relationship have been quite fantastic. It has lent itself well to the dreaming.
Nevertheless…I am coming back to this city after Christmas. Probably, I will be coming back to a different place than I left. It’s possible that the girl and I will not stay together for much longer and I could be on another journey – Alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)