There is a girl.
A girl who, at this moment, is 4,000 miles away.
I met her in the most unlikely of circumstances...half-way across the globe from my home. A million miles from my life and my world and my normal.
Probably, the girl is not thinking of me.
But I am thinking of her.
I remember a time when she said:
The life is very strange. I want very much to find a man of my life. And now I find you and you are Americano. I don't understand.
I don't know how to reckon with this. Is there reason in this world? Is there chance or fate or destiny? Is it a game? Is it all just random? Is there a God?
I don't know anymore - I cannot reckon with this...
7 comments:
Are you going to let a relationship affect your faith in God? Please don't, because by doing that you're telling the world that an earthly relationship with the opposite sex takes precedence over getting your relationship with God right first. Believe what you are going to believe, but don't hate God or turn your back on Him for decisions you made or things she did- or didn't- do.
J, you know I love you in a platonic blogging kinda way, and I wonder if you are not attracted to the heartache- that you go into relationships that you know HAVE to end because you are craving the intensity of the attraction as well as the intensity of the pain. I'm not Freud, and I'm not saying I don't feel bad for you, because I do, but maybe you need to focus on yourself for a while. And your faith. Maybe everything else will work itself out.
christa...i'm not here saying that because this hasn't worked out, i'm going to make decisions about my faith or about whether i believe in God or not.
what i am saying is this:
if there is a God, then one of the big things is that everything happens for a reason, and that He has this big plan for each and every one of us.
well...what the hell??
i chose to go to Rome, but i didn't choose the job i got, i didn't choose the school i work at, i didn't choose to have her as a student and i sure as hell didn't jump into this thing with abandon.
at the very best, i went into this thing with reluctance and caution.
and i sure as hell talked to God about it on numerous, numerous occasions. i have talked to him about it hundreds of times over these months and i feel like i've done exactly what he wanted me to do.
i don't know the point anymore, to any of it.
and maybe you're right about what i'm attracted to. i disagree, but then again, i don't know much of anything right now.
but i hate the heartache. i'm a simple guy, i swear. i don't want very difficult or complicated things in this world. yet somehow...they never come.
As I've mentioned before, I don't believe there is such a thing as destiny or a predetermined, God-controlled plan for everyone's lives. God's all about free will; He always has been.
While God is a part of life for those who believe, He doesn't make decisions for you. Sure, you can pray and all that, but it always comes down to you making your own decisions.
God didn't make any of that stuff happen to you. It's just life. Shit happens. Do you really think God makes people turn into junkies and throw their lives away? What kind of plan is that? People make things happen to themselves. And while you spoke to God and it seemed like you were doing what He wanted, there's no guarantee that the girl will cooperate with that "plan."
God is certainly present in your life, but you control your own fate. God doesn't sit on a cloud with a book in his lap that says "Today, some Italian broad will break ol' J's heart. Tomorrow he will drink heavily and mourn over a meatball sub." As humans we have free will. The decisions we make determine where we end up.
I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, dude, but it wasn't because of God or fate; it was because of life. They don't say "life's a bitch" for nothing. Hang in there.
I agree with MM, the point of your faith and what has happened is not predetermined. You do have free will. It is what you choose that determines the path, it's faith that God will help you through the outcome of whatever you choose that is part of the plan. I never said all of this is written somewhere and it happened and there's no point to it. That you did not choose to have her as a student is a bit of a cop-out. The fact that she was your "student" should have been a huge blinking flashing light that you should not go there. Some relationships can't be blurred. I don't know what kind of school you're teaching for, but certainly entertaining relationships with students is at the very least frowned upon. Seems to me, maybe you prayed but you got answers you're just not willing to accept yet. You may have gone into it reluctantly when all signs said you shouldn't get in to it at all. Wasn't she attached when you met her? If that's so, then why, oh why, J, would you choose to even begin something that needed fixing? If not, and you went in to it reluctantly, then plain and simple you were given a lesson on why inner reluctance means something. And with God, and His plan for you, he's always saying yes, no, or not right now. Up to you to interpret that. My heart aches for you, and I wish I could show you the woman for you, who's out there somewhere and will benefit from all you've been through...
A song for you, J..
Anyway
You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might never come your way
Dream it anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea - sing it anyway
I sing
I love
Anyway
Thanks for your comment, you'll come good just let the heat take you. If I was sure she was thinking of you I don't think that would make it any better. Maybe you'll come together yet.
Whether or not we have a free-will is a question that I haven't answered. I'd like to say that we do, but I feel safer in a way if we don't. But that is a rant for a Calvinist, which I am not qualified to finish (nor would I do that to you now).
Either way, I know the sort of crap that you are experiencing now, and I've done it to myself numerous times. I don't know how I used to do it with such regularity, but I finally got sick of it and decided to make some changes.
But that didn't work.
So I asked all my friends for advice.
And that didn't help either.
So I decided to just say "the hell with it."
But I was worse off.
So I came back to the beginning and just told God that I couldn't do it anymore. If I was going to take even one more step then He'd have to make it clear.
He did.
Be encouraged, bro. If you consider God to be your Father, and I think you do, then remember that He won't give His son a stone when you ask for bread, and He's not going to send you over to Italy to have your heart broken just for grins. If nothing else this will help you when you do find that precious jewel.
As for what Christa says about the kinds of girls you find attractive (not what they look like, but what they are like), I don't think that you just find attractive those who will break your heart eventually, but maybe like me, you find them attractive because they are somewhat exotic and different from you. That certainly can work, but if they are not like you in some very important ways (a similar faith in God for example) then you will find trouble sooner or later. I've been there, J, and it sucked everytime.
God bless you this Christmas and may you have a Happy New Year.
I haven't forgotten that I'm gonna buy you dinner in Rome if I can make there before you leave...
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