Saturday, December 09, 2006

Perchè?

I don’t know why I came to this city.

Maybe it was to avoid responsibility.
Maybe it was to be a different person.
Or to leave the past behind.
Or to be a teacher.
Or to live in a place so full of history and culture and art.
Maybe it was to find answers.

I hope it was not to find answers. Because I have not found them. In fact, I feel like I have even more questions now than ever.

I have been in this place – away from my home – for 8 months. I have met people from many different countries. I have seen those people come and go. I have seen this country win a World Cup. I have seen this country elect a new government and pass new laws. I have seen this city in ways that I never imagined I would see it. I have seen the graffiti and the homeless and the traffic. I have experienced the horrible public transportation. I have breathed the polluted air but I have not swum in the polluted sea. I have looked at this place with disgust, wonder, apathy and I have looked at it as if it were any other city in all the world – as if it were my own.

A few weeks ago, my family came to visit. My parents, 2 of my sisters, a brother-in-law, and my little niece, Victoria. She’s a lot bigger than I remember. A lot bigger than the last time I saw her back in March. I have missed so much.

Time passes without anyone’s permission. I have seen the seasons change in this city. I arrived during Spring’s beginning. The days were comfortable but the mornings and nights would chill you without a jacket. Everything was new for me and I navigated through this new life of mine with wide eyes and shaking hands. People came and then they left. Never could I have imagined or predicted what events would unfold during this new life stage. The sun rises every morning and with it a new day comes. We never know what the tide will bring in.

Spring somehow changed into summer without notice. It happened without notice because life was simply becoming more involving. A job came about just as quickly as one could hope for. At the time, I just wanted a job – it mattered not where or when or how much. However, those exact things – where and when – would prove to be quite meaningful in the days to come. There are literally hundreds of language schools in this city and I sent my resume to a good chunk of them. I could have worked at any number of schools and I could have met any number of different people. How many different paths could have unfolded in front of me? How many different situations or decisions could I have been faced with? I don’t know, perhaps the path that I found was the only one that existed. And perhaps I didn’t find the path as much as it found me. Perhaps. Whatever the truth is, this path has proven to be quite life altering.

I remember the exact moment when I first saw her name. But it was just a name on a piece of paper. A faceless, soulless, meaningless name that I would teach the English language to and forget. How many students have I had over the last 7 months? How many have come and gone? 200?? It only took my third class ever to change my life. And not just my life here in Rome – my Life. Tuesday, May 9th at 6 p.m. No matter what happens in the future, I will look back upon this period in my life, and I will inevitably think of the girl. She – We – will be forever imprinted upon my life. The trials and tribulations; the lessons; the moments of unfiltered Beauty; and the Affliction. How many language schools are there in this city again? Hundreds?? And how many teachers are at my particular school? 15?? 20??

Why was that particular name on my particular schedule? Why? What reason is there for that? Why was she taking a class during this particular period? Why had I decided to move to this place at this particular moment? Does it matter? Of all the language schools in all the cities in all the world – we had to walk into the same one at the same time.

And so here we are, starting yet another month. Fall has been a technicality and really Winter hasn’t taken hold just yet. It’s as if Mother Nature hasn’t quite decided what she wants in life. A stark parallel to my life right now.

It’s strange, really. The last 2 months have been just about as difficult as the first 3 were easy. And my God, were they easy. The girl talked about North Carolina and the future and how perfect the days were with me. She must have asked me 100 times: “You want married me??” Everything was clear. She wanted me and she wanted a life with me. She told me – almost every day – not to leave Rome. It wouldn’t be fair and her life would be horrible without me.

And then we experienced a huge, huge shift in September for some reason. It’s something I’m still not clear on, but when I told her that I was staying and my parents were selling my car – something changed. In these two months, she’s told me that she never loved me, that she loved me at one time and that she’s only happy when she dreams of life in North Carolina. She has told me that I give her the power to continue to live and she has asked me not to leave her. She has said more things. Somehow, reality found us and has been doing it’s damned best to take us out.

Maybe…just maybe, I’m starting to understand now. Maybe all the dreaming was easy at first – easy because it was so unrealistic. Admittedly, the circumstances surrounding our relationship have been quite fantastic. It has lent itself well to the dreaming.

Nevertheless…I am coming back to this city after Christmas. Probably, I will be coming back to a different place than I left. It’s possible that the girl and I will not stay together for much longer and I could be on another journey – Alone.

8 comments:

morbid misanthrope said...

What can I say, dude? Women are fucking stupid. And being alone is much better than being controlled.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Hey, just stopping in to say hello and see that you haven't been bloggin' much.

Christa said...

Morbid,, I TOTALLY AGREE. We do and say very stupid things for very convoluted reasons. Yet somehow you idiot boys are still out there looking to rescue the most stupid of us girls- the ones who play the "I don't know what I want" card just a little too much.

J- I'm only sayin' this once. Hindsight is 20/20- you'll see in time that all is as it should be. Why don't you start looking for a girl that doesn't need to be rescued- emotionally, literally, or geographically. And a relationship takes two. If she ever said I love you and then said she changed her mind, the truth is she never did love you. She just thought you were hott. And though I can't blame her for that, she messed with your emotions and worst of all, let you dream. She knew what she was doing. Every minute of it. I swear it. Survey says you're not the only sap she's left in her wake. Whatever happened to the Canadians?

J C said...

christa....how do you know?? how do you know that all will be as it should be?? my mother keeps saying this, and everybody says this about everything, but how do you know??

because if you DON'T believe in God, well, that's simply not true. it's highly likely that NOTHING will happen as it should happen.

and if you DO believe in God, well...we still have free will, don't we?? that's the whole catch of this deal - God gave us free will. so EVEN if we've got God out there, people still have to make a choice for 95% of things that happen around us.

that's what was so beautiful about all of this. i met this girl in one of those most highly unlikely of scenarios ever...and it was purely, purely by fate/chance/destiny/whatever. i didn't choose her as a student, she didn't choose me as teacher, i didn't see her at a bar or a club and i didn't choose to interact with her. we were thrown into the situation - we had no control over it.

maybe you're right about her, christa. in that case...i'll be much sadder than i am now or i have been in the past. maybe it's just denial, but i find those ideas difficult to believe. but maybe they are true...i don't know

Christa said...

why is it hard to believe that a woman could be that cold and calculating? why does a woman have you questioning God's very existence? I know this hurts, I know it sucks, and I know you wouldn't be blogging about it if you weren't ready to take on what it turned out to be. why are you mad at God and the world instead of her? i don't know if i'm right about her, or if i'm right about you. chances are, i'm wrong since i have never met you both. but God is right about both of you and I don't care how cliche or backward anyone else thinks it is, THERE'S A REASON IT DIDN'T WORK. From the moment you typed the first word about this girl, we knew it was going to end badly. would it have stopped you if someone had mentioned that? I doubt it. You are going to do what you want to do and believe what you want to believe and blame who you want to blame. When the dust settles, try to remember who'll be there.

J C said...

B.S.

you didn't know what was going to happen any more than I did, or joe schmoe in kansas.

i didn't know, but i took the path. you know why?? because i was presented with it. i didn't go seeking it and i sure as hell didn't ask for it.

it was pretty freakin obvious what was happening. you weren't in that classroom. you didn't experience the conversations or the feelings or the connections.

despite all that i've written about this girl and about this situation, you have NO IDEA what happened between us.

what a joke

The Doctor said...

J- I'm a little behind here, but I want you to know that God hasn't questioned you or your motives. He knew you would go to Rome. He knew you would meet this girl and how you would react to her. He also knew how she would be. Though it hurts and nothing we say will really help, I want you to know that no matter what you may feel right now, God really does cherish you and wants the best for you. Maybe you are learning some things that will not be clear for a long time, but trust me, bro, nothing happens without His knowledge and forethought. You've read Romans 8 (how interesting that you might reread this while in Rome). Things will work out for you. With or without this girl, things will become clear.

BD said...

Ok, so God has put me in a position of finding a beautiful intelligent woman who is a haul away.

Yet he knows when I feel like nothing and keeps making her hurt me and why does he do this? This is his convincing me that he knows how to pair up the soul mates. I totally trust him...