I sit alone in a room at night. Trying to divert my attention from the reality that is set in front of me. Part of it I have created for myself. Part of it, I have not.
The diversions do not last. I think about the things that I am leaving behind. I think of the things that I WISH I was leaving behind. And of the things that I wish I did not have to leave behind.
I sometimes wonder how certain people would feel if I died. What would be the lasting impression? What would it mean to them?
Would they be sad? Devastated? Relieved? Unconcerned??
In some ways, I feel like I HAVE to move away from here - so that when I come back, I can move forward from here.
I haven't had an Honest-to-God serious relationship with a girl since Nicole.
Abby - oh, Abby ended up not being in my life for a girlfriend role. She had a different part to play.
Jaime - well, that was just one very messy scenario.
Jenn - sure, we dated for a while, but there was nothing there. It was a relationship born out of convenience.
Kasha - see above.
Amanda - she and I had a whirlwind of a romance last summer. What my dad called serendipity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it became clear to us both that it was not meant to be.
Maybe I'm waiting for her to come back to me. I honestly do not know anymore. I know that it's been increasingly difficult for me to show interest, at least initially, in a girl. It's almost as if I have to fight my instincts.
Maybe she played a part in my decision to leave. I honestly don't know that either. I haven't seen her in over a year and a half. I haven't heard her voice in almost that long. We talk over IM every now and then. But what is that? Is that real?
You would think her face would have vanished from my mind's eye. Far from it.
She has a different life now. A life to plan and work for and LIVE.
I do not have a place in it any longer.
Perhaps that is why I am leaving…
7 comments:
J- be encouraged, bro. There are millions of women out there who don't live anywhere near you right now. How else can you meet a few of them if you don't go somewhere? In all serousness I think you are young and smart and charming enough to be able to find and fall in love with a woman for whom you would gladly give your life if it ever came to that. Don't be like me and get fixated for years at a time on one girl only to figure out years later that you haven't gone anywhere because of ties that were not made with her but only from your end. Live your life seeking the One you know to seek first, and ther rest will come together in good time.
And enjoy yourself in Rome, find people who believe as you do and learn about life in Italy while being around them, letting them sharpen you and help you grow stronger. You have a great opportunity ahead; don't look back on everything that you are leaving so much that you miss what you may find there. If it is meant to be, it will happen. You too have a life to live and a plan (God's plan? or yours? you know yours- He knows his). Live, J. Take a deep breath, and listen to your heartbeat, and live.
Oh my gosh. Where's the bridge I can jump off of? C'mon, man. You are a man of faith, and you gotta end your pity party. No one got the invitations, thus you stand alone. You have a WORLD to conquer, you have a 3-seed (am I right?) NCAA team to boast about, a faithful God to pray to that Michigan will crumble in the first round, and friends that love and inspire you. Though I am the poster-child for the grass-is-always-greener dysfunction, I know enough to know that if you keep looking back and trying to figure out what it all means, you are going to miss whats right in front of you, ready to meet you head on. Not only that, but we are meant to learn from our past, not dwell on it. Quit dwelling. Dwelling doesn't change anything, and it only creates negativity. You are off on an adventure that I could only wish to be on, and whether or not God sends someone to share that with you or whether you are supposed to experience it alone is something only time will tell. One things for sure, none of those women in your past can have an effect on your future unless you let them. And do your future bride a favor- let go of them and all you think they hold on you NOW. As much as you may not think so, the way you view your past will play a huge part in your future relationships and only a wonderful woman (someone like ME, for example) will not divorce you while you figure that out. This is a great opportunity for you in so many respects. Don't blow it.
dennis - thanks for the encouraging words, bro. you're right - it seems like the more you look for love, the harder it is to find. it's best to simply let it come to you, sometimes when you least expect it. part of me cannot wait to get to Rome. part of me wishes i weren't going. it's an odd sensation, to be sure. but i have to trust in God and have faith that I will learn something from this and gain from it. i believe i will be okay - nothing to fear but fear itself, right?? thanks again, man.
christa - you got some tough love, ya know!!?? haha....it's what i need though, thank you. you're right, i've got a million things to be thankful for. a 3 seed (which i love with all my heart) in the Tourney that's gonna make a run for a repeat National Championship, a God that will knock out Michigan STATE, and unbeatable support from friends and family. i think all this dwelling and looking back is in a way getting me ready to look forward in Rome. i hope that's what will happen. thanks for the kick in the butt. i won't blow it.
I think you have something to be proud of and thankful for--the short list of girls in your past. My own list is much shorter. It's not a problem or anything, but you learn from each one, and you're learning a lot. The risk may be spending your life pining for one you lost rather than appreciating the one He brings you. That would be a sad choice, but probably not uncommon. As long as you can avoid that, I'd be thankful to have had fun getting to know the ones you eventually realized were not for you. Same with the one big one who 'doth bestride your world like a Collossus.' She's blocking out the light of the sun, hanging a shadow on everything. If you can't shake it, maybe Italy is the perfect adventure/distraction. I know it will work out fine--you clearly know how to care about people.
It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.
--George Washington
I'm just saying.
steven - i understand that "risk" you speak of. honestly, i thought i was out of the danger zone a while back, until recently, when i started talking to nicole on a consistent basis. i'm not sure what it is, but i've found myself recently being taken back into my past, randomly recalling different little things and memories about our relationship. i hope that this doesn't blind me to possibilities in my future path, but i also know that it's something that i have to allow to happen - something i have to deal with. if i just ignore it, it will haunt me for years and years. thanks for the wise words - i'm having one of the good moments about Italy - i'm excited right now.
morbid and JT - VERY true statement. however, good company is irreplaceable, ain't it?
I wouldn't know anything about good company. My imaginary friend is a jackass.
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