How do you reason out something like this??
If I take just about every single individual characteristic and value it on it’s own, I shouldn’t be attracted to her. Physically, she doesn’t do that much for me. She seems like she needs to be the center of attention just slightly more so than I’d prefer. She thinks she’s right all of the time. Literally. Her cup MUST be the one on the right, because well, she’s right. When her current boyfriend broke up with her a while back, she immediately jumped into bed with one of her exes. She doesn’t think she’s ever made a mistake. She told me so…with a straight face.
I have tried in earnest to convince myself to not like her. No, I’ve tried to make myself hate her. I have sat in Piazza del Popolo and conscientiously thought all negative thoughts about her.
But I’ll be damned if it just doesn’t work.
I went to class today in a really foul mood. I might have spoke 20 words all day. Sara even said to me “You’re being quiet today Jonathan.”
“Me?”
That’s all I said, then I shrugged my shoulders – I guess in an effort to show her how displeased I am. But at the end of the day, all I wanted was for her to be looking at me during class. For her to stop on the way out and ask me if I wanted to watch a movie with her back at her place. Simple, ain’t it?
No, I guess not.
And so now I’m sitting here alone, writing this, thinking about her, knowing that I should be studying, and I’m drinking Rum & Cokes.
I’m drinking alone. And a night on the town is not in the immediate future. I’ve never done this before. That’s how I know something is wrong.
Yea, sure…I like her accent. But I like her laugh so much more. I like it when she straightens her almost-curly hair. I like it when she puts her face really close to her desk when she’s reading or doing a worksheet. I do like her eyes.
I guess when everything is laid out in front of you…nothing else matters other than how you feel.
She’s just a girl. I’m just a boy. And I do like her.
4 comments:
Let me preface this by saying I would love to be in your shoes. However the shoes for an opportunity as the one you have before you don't fit well when your life has other commitments or distractions. I know you are a passionate person and you can't necessarily help how you feel, so please don't be mad at me when I say, "DON"T BLOW THIS OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE OF A GIRL". I got from this post you're wallowing in thoughts about her, but maybe you are just lonely, or not used to being 'alone'. Get her out of your head. You didn't go to Italy to get caught up in another does she/doesn't she tirade, did you? I mean, because it would truly be sad for you to return to the states with nothing but sad memories of some girl in Italy that it didn't work out with... instead of memories of a great time in a foreign country where you made great friends and drank great vino and pondered the greatness of the Roman empire.
Never made a mistake? Bullshit. Hell, she's just made a mistake: She pissed me off (although saying it that way makes it sound like a much bigger mistake than it actually is).
Don’t let her get into your head, man. If she does, a number of things could happen:
1.) She’ll dig her claws into you and drag you into a train wreck of a miserable relationship. Say goodbye to your nuts, because she’ll be keeping them in a music box under her pillow, taking them out occasionally to stomp on them with metaphorical jackboots you probably paid for.
2.) She’ll keep fucking with you simply because she can.
3.) She’ll use you for something – money, sex, attention, or she’ll simply feed on your soul – until you’re used up.
4.) She might actually turn out to be a decent human being worth spending time with and maybe even dating.
I don’t believe in trolls, the tooth fairy, the boogeyman, and, based on what you’ve written so far, I don’t believe in possibility number four. All I can suggest is that you remain in control of every aspect of your life. If she keeps screwing with you, she can go back to England and eat a spotted dick. Hang in there.
Jonathan-- I've been thinking about this some, because this kind of thing seems to happen to me too. I think it might have something to do with not wanting to commit but not wanting to be alone either, being drawn to the wrong people. I don't know. Anyway, it's frustrating as hell.
christa - you're right, i was wallowing in thoughts about her, and perhaps i still am. but i am reminded of something my dad said last year when i was traveling during the summer. i had gone to england to meet amanda, and after a few days she had to go back home. sitting in the airport after she left, i was lost. i sent a really depressed email to him and he replied back, saying "son, the 2 of you have had a wonderful time, i am sure. a serendipity of sorts. but as jack nicklaus always says...there's still some more golf left to be played." different situation, but still wise words.
willow - you're probably right about that. and thanks for the words.
morbid - yea, i know dude. she's gone back to england and i think i did the right thing in the situation i was put in. only time will tell, though i assume.
blue - it is frustrating as all hell. i'm not sure what the root of it is, i've thought about it in length, but have since decided not to think about it. it just confuses me more.
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