"You are more authentic when you appear to be what you dream you are." - Pedro Almodovar

Indeed

People, more times than not it seems, have ulterior motives. They want to influence others to better suit their own needs and desires, and perhaps, fears. They lie – they deceive. I have encountered too many of these people. They are pathetic. Now on to my post…


Saturday night brought me another dream. The girl with the perfect smile wasn’t smiling this time. No…she was trapped beneath a crumbling house. She needed help. She needed someone to save her.

And I went in after her. Crawling under the house towards her, I was intensely aware of my feelings for her – and her apparent lack of them for me. In this moment, though, it mattered not. I clasped her hand in mine and pulled her to safety.

Standing to clear us of the danger, she stumbled into my arms. Although her hands were gripping my biceps with urgency, they felt light as feathers. My eyes gazed into hers and hers into mine, as if the danger just a few feet away simply did not exist. But something broke the moment and we moved off into the distance.

A flash elapsed a few hours and I found myself walking the girl home. She was bumped and bruised but she was walking by my side with her arm thru mine. Of all the amazing things in this world – a girl walking with her arm thru mine is easily in my Top 5.

Her door stoop appeared quicker than I anticipated and my courage swelled up enough to speak.

“You don’t have to pretend to like me just because I saved you”, I said in a self-deprecating way, fully expecting this luminous creature to breathe a sigh of relief and reply “thank God”.

“I am not pretending, Jonathan.”

The words hit me like water to the lips of a man lost in the desert for years and years.

Our eyes locked again, as if the moment from earlier had never been interrupted.

The dream started to fade here, but a very pale image of our lips meeting is burned in my mind’s eye. Perhaps it’s my optimistic imagination kicking it. Perhaps it actually happened that night.

Either way, I would say it’s part of the Dream.

"Enough. Enough now."

Cinque Terre Sunset from Riomaggiore 2
Originally uploaded by uncsuperman.

My heart has ached and perhaps it aches still. None of you know the situation I’m in and what exactly has caused this swell inside of me. Yet you all have offered support and encouragement and words of wisdom – for that, I am a grateful man. And an extraordinarily lucky one.

Thank You.

However, that will be enough public aching. Enough now. I will recall the girl’s fantastically perfect smile many times, I am sure. Bellissima. Perhaps the dreams will continue. Agonizing they may be – but I would savor them.

It hurts, yet I do not regret being in this position. I do not want to be fearful. I would rather be one of those people, as so eloquently put by Mr. Theodore Roosevelt, “who know the great enthusiasms…and who, at worst, fail while daring greatly...so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

I want to take every single shot that I’m ever given in this life. Because we get but one chance. No one can live their life 2 or 3 times in order to make right what went wrong; to take chances that passed by the first time.

I do not want to try to convince you, or worse still, myself, that I need no one. Well, perhaps “need” isn’t the right word. I suppose that physically, all I “need” is food and water. But what about psychologically, emotionally, spiritually?

My soul craves companionship. And I’m not ashamed to admit that. No, I am proud to admit it. My life is not going to be defined by how much education I receive, how many books I read, how many pictures I take, or how much money I have.

The people who I cross paths with – people I influence and who influence me – will define my life. I do not remember what grade I was assigned on my Principles of Marketing research paper during second year of business school. But you better believe that I can recall every minute detail of that wonderful spring night I enjoyed with Abby – the night I was supposed to write that paper. We didn’t do anything naughty. We didn’t even kiss.

But she and I danced out in that gazebo like nothing else existed in all the world.

I do not remember how much money I had to loan Amanda after she lost her passport and credit cards. What I do remember is the color of the Granada sky that night we sat up at the Mirador. And the way I felt sitting beside her.

“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” – Marcus Aurelius

Dreams

I hardly ever dream. 2 or 3 times a year, tops.

So the fact that I’ve had 3 dreams over the last couple of weeks is astonishing for me.

My first one, a few weeks ago, had me standing in the midst of hundreds and hundreds of scorpions. I was not alone – someone was standing with me – but I was the focus of these creatures.

There were 2 kinds of scorpions. Your typical, garden-variety scorpion that kept attacking me. And I kept standing there getting stung.

The second group was classified to me, by my companion, as “suicide scorpions”. These creatures would pull the tail over their head, but instead of stinging an enemy or attacker – they would sting themselves. They were killing themselves.

And instead of allowing this very odd of phenomena, I protected them. For these “suicide scorpions”, I would place my hand in between their bodies and their tails. I would take their attack, rather than allow them to sting themselves. I offered myself for their protection.

A friend made the observation that perhaps the scorpions in my dream represented women in my life. A keen interpretation, perhaps.

However rare it is when I have a dream – it is 10 times as rare that I dream about a girl I know. Within the last week, though, there have been 2 such dreams.

It has been hell.

Monday night was the first. Her face – more vivid than any photograph I have ever taken. The sensations – returned from the depths of my memories. Every detail was present.

The second one showed up Thursday night. I am haunted by her face – by her smile - by the memories that I myself have locked safe within my soul.

Sleep has come to me with some difficulty since I got back from my vacation. I lie awake and play situations out in my head. Actual situations; hypothetical situations; vastly unrealistic situations.

None of it matters.

“I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I never asked for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.”

Oh, how I wish the sun hadn’t set quite yet.

“Sometimes...when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.”

Yeah, that and I'm a total LOSER.

You know how over there on my little profile, it says "I want to go down swinging"?

Well, I'm sure as hell going down.

Obviously

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 95% Green Lantern 70% Robin 62% Supergirl 55% The Flash 55% Spider-Man 50% Wonder Woman 50% Hulk 50% Iron Man 50% Batman 40% Catwoman 20%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...


Would you expect anything less???

Control Vanishes

The most unexpected things happen in the most unexpected ways and in the most unexpected places. Don't they?

My vacation has brought me to a place where I never would have guessed I'd be. It's funny, really, how events play out and unfold - regardless of whether you want them to or not.

Somehow, the things which simply must happen, do. They are brought to light because that is as it was meant to be. We have far less control over this thing called life than many of us want to believe.

I'm again reminded of a quote that I have already spoke of on this blog a while back. I think it defines quite a lot about my life - and perhaps, a lot about yours, too. It is simple and short yet it speaks volumes. The best kind.

"You Don't Choose What You Love. It Chooses You."

I Know Not

My travels have taken a bit of a hiatus lately, I know.

I am preoccupied - with a vacation that I am on, with things that I have encountered, with new, unexpected feelings that have made themselves known in far too dramatic fashion.

I walk around the streets of this big city which I am visiting lost in thought; lost in other people's faces; lost in memories of experiences not from long ago, but from just the other day.

One of my favorite books of all time is John Eldredge's "The Journey of Desire". This book has been read by me more times than I care to count, and it has also been thrown against walls, floors, doors, whatever, by me.

Anyone who's curious about new ways to look at God - read it.

One of my most loved passages in ANY book is this:

"Simone Weil was right; there are only two things that pierce the human heart: beauty and affliction. Moments we wish would last forever and moments we wish had never begun."

To be honest - I've encountered many, many of my favorite passages in Eldredge's writings. So this is just one of several.

But My, how this is true. I have experienced more of each of those types than I deserve. I am going thru one right now, as I write this.

Beauty and Affliction.

I know not what to do with it.

Do You Know What It Means?

The words were written on the inside wall, above the front door. So that it was not blatant. You did not read them as you entered the home, but rather, as you were leaving it. As if that were meant to be the lasting impression - the most important impression.

Formed in a style that was flowing, rounded, soft. Almost in a way - feminine. Which contrasted quite distinctly with the actual words.

"Freedom Is Never Free"

It resounded with me immediately and it resounds with me to this day.

Someone, somewhere, paid the price for your freedom. And mine. A soldier stands on a wall with a gun, protecting you and I. Protecting our lives. Our liberties. Our freedoms.

Many, many have gone before. And many will go after.

They protect us from the Evil that exists in our world. Evil that has existed since the beginning of Time. It will be here until the end of Time. Evil in the form of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Ze-Dong and Hussein.

Too many people do not understand what that means. "Freedom Is Never Free." What it entails. They take it for granted and they criticize those that provide the very freedom which they live under.

I know what it means.

Every man and woman that has ever served the side of Good - you have my respect, admiration and support.

And for those that have specifically served America - it is your Greatness that defines us.

A Man Who Knows...

I'm sick of reading about all this apology stuff. Blah.

Here's one of my favorite quotes of all time. I came across it years ago when I was home from school one weekend. It was in the local paper, so I cut it out and pinned it up on my corkboard at school - among many other things. I still have that cutout to this day.


"Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountains is going home; that wildness is a necessity; and that mountain parks and reservations are useful not only as fountains of timber and irrigating rivers, but as fountains of life."
- John Muir


And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a man who knows what he's talking about.

I invite everybody to comment with any and all of their favorite quotes. List them all and I might just post some up later.

Apologies

I'm not sure why my previous post was offensive to some people.

But it was.

If you know me, then you know I would never want to offend someone. So if I have, then I am sorry.

A Brilliant Idea

I allowed myself a bit of weakness the next morning when I cried in the shower. Not long ago, my reaction would have been to tell myself that this girl didn't matter. Useless to me. A bystander.

But I was finally beginning to understand that if you go thru life with that perception, you will face years of regret down the road. I refused to do that any longer. For all intents and purposes, I was devastated. However, all was not lost - for I had enjoyed days alone in Paris and I would enjoy them again. The day was filled with keeping to myself and hiking high above the city.

The heat was suffocating and the sweat was dripping, but that day was - in a way - cleansing.

After dinner I settled down at the Mirador once again. To watch the sunset, the sky turn thru its spectrum of colors, and get lost among the locals. Writing in my journal, my thoughts wandered and God began to speak to me. It was the first time in a few days that I heard His voice.

I wrote questions in my journal and then felt the need to stand and take a walk. I will not relay what He said to me that day, for it would be slightly embarrassing, and because what was said was meant for me alone.

But that conversation changed me. He gave me an insight into my life that I had not planned on ever receiving.

Later, I thought about where the path was taking me next. Ryanair was flying me from Sevilla to Milan in a week - but what to do till then? I could feel that it was time to leave Granada so I had a few days to play with.

When was Amanda getting into Malaga? Malaga was only a few hours south of here, and only a few hours away from Sevilla. Actually, not a bad spot to spend a few days.

Almost like a child, I sprang up, ran as fast as I could down the path that leads to the city and back to my hostel. An email was written before I could think of what to write and now all I had to do was wait for her response.

"What a brilliant idea!" I thought.

Well, her response didn't come quickly and it was the following day before any correspondance could be made. But I was to meet her in Malaga, at the bus station. She booked a room and we were to see each other again.

Logic, in case you were wondering, had been tossed to the curb. I was taking this by the seat of my pants and unsure of what I was doing.

And it could not have been more fun.

Looking back on all of this - I can't help but feel blessed. I went to Europe alone. Sure, I knew Jeremy and Bridget were already over there, but I was not tagging along and would only see them a few times along our travels.

So being alone for the majority of the trip was therapeutic in ways I didn't even know existed. But meeting Amanda, I gained a companion.

I knew I was blessed. And I was thankful for it.