The Beauty that I have experienced since May haunts me. Every day...every hour of my existence now is overwhelmed with thoughts and memories of this. They are countless - more than one person could possibly remember yet too many to possibly forget. On this website I have given you descriptions of only a small sample, and my words for those chosen few have been pitifully inadequate.
It is a Beauty that words simply cannot capture. I could enlist the talents of history's greatest writers, the people who paint vividly and fantastically with words, yet they too would fail miserably to express this Beauty.
Impossible to encapsulate - to define - to describe.
This Beauty is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have experienced a lot in my 26 years...however this is something wholly different and unique from everything else in my life.
I thought the sunset in Florence last summer was beautiful. I thought hearing "It's a Wonderful World" in Cologne was beautiful. Paris at dusk. Cinque Terre at...well, anytime of the day. The Alhambra, Capri, the Swiss Alps, the Grand Place in Brussels. Chapel Hill on a crisp autumn evening.
Viewed separately, in their own right, these things are in fact beautiful. But life is not lived in a vacuum. If you lose your job of 15 years, this seems a tragedy. However, if the following month you lose your spouse to cancer…certainly you will cease to think of your unemployment as a tragedy. For losing your job is nothing compared to losing your loved one.
Such is true here, as well.
All of it - everything up until now pales in this Beauty's light. There are many things that I have thought to be beautiful in my life. But life is not lived in a vacuum. And the scales have just been radically altered.
I have just stepped out of the light from the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. I fear – with every piece of my broken heart – that it will be the most beautiful thing I will ever see in my life. I fear that because it has passed. Because if that is true, then I must live the rest of my days knowing that I will never see a beauty quite as fantastic, quite as radiant and pure and innocent as this Beauty.
And that breaks my heart.
Again.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Reckoning
There is a girl.
A girl who, at this moment, is 4,000 miles away.
I met her in the most unlikely of circumstances...half-way across the globe from my home. A million miles from my life and my world and my normal.
Probably, the girl is not thinking of me.
But I am thinking of her.
I remember a time when she said:
The life is very strange. I want very much to find a man of my life. And now I find you and you are Americano. I don't understand.
I don't know how to reckon with this. Is there reason in this world? Is there chance or fate or destiny? Is it a game? Is it all just random? Is there a God?
I don't know anymore - I cannot reckon with this...
A girl who, at this moment, is 4,000 miles away.
I met her in the most unlikely of circumstances...half-way across the globe from my home. A million miles from my life and my world and my normal.
Probably, the girl is not thinking of me.
But I am thinking of her.
I remember a time when she said:
The life is very strange. I want very much to find a man of my life. And now I find you and you are Americano. I don't understand.
I don't know how to reckon with this. Is there reason in this world? Is there chance or fate or destiny? Is it a game? Is it all just random? Is there a God?
I don't know anymore - I cannot reckon with this...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Perchè?
I don’t know why I came to this city.
Maybe it was to avoid responsibility.
Maybe it was to be a different person.
Or to leave the past behind.
Or to be a teacher.
Or to live in a place so full of history and culture and art.
Maybe it was to find answers.
I hope it was not to find answers. Because I have not found them. In fact, I feel like I have even more questions now than ever.
I have been in this place – away from my home – for 8 months. I have met people from many different countries. I have seen those people come and go. I have seen this country win a World Cup. I have seen this country elect a new government and pass new laws. I have seen this city in ways that I never imagined I would see it. I have seen the graffiti and the homeless and the traffic. I have experienced the horrible public transportation. I have breathed the polluted air but I have not swum in the polluted sea. I have looked at this place with disgust, wonder, apathy and I have looked at it as if it were any other city in all the world – as if it were my own.
A few weeks ago, my family came to visit. My parents, 2 of my sisters, a brother-in-law, and my little niece, Victoria. She’s a lot bigger than I remember. A lot bigger than the last time I saw her back in March. I have missed so much.
Time passes without anyone’s permission. I have seen the seasons change in this city. I arrived during Spring’s beginning. The days were comfortable but the mornings and nights would chill you without a jacket. Everything was new for me and I navigated through this new life of mine with wide eyes and shaking hands. People came and then they left. Never could I have imagined or predicted what events would unfold during this new life stage. The sun rises every morning and with it a new day comes. We never know what the tide will bring in.
Spring somehow changed into summer without notice. It happened without notice because life was simply becoming more involving. A job came about just as quickly as one could hope for. At the time, I just wanted a job – it mattered not where or when or how much. However, those exact things – where and when – would prove to be quite meaningful in the days to come. There are literally hundreds of language schools in this city and I sent my resume to a good chunk of them. I could have worked at any number of schools and I could have met any number of different people. How many different paths could have unfolded in front of me? How many different situations or decisions could I have been faced with? I don’t know, perhaps the path that I found was the only one that existed. And perhaps I didn’t find the path as much as it found me. Perhaps. Whatever the truth is, this path has proven to be quite life altering.
I remember the exact moment when I first saw her name. But it was just a name on a piece of paper. A faceless, soulless, meaningless name that I would teach the English language to and forget. How many students have I had over the last 7 months? How many have come and gone? 200?? It only took my third class ever to change my life. And not just my life here in Rome – my Life. Tuesday, May 9th at 6 p.m. No matter what happens in the future, I will look back upon this period in my life, and I will inevitably think of the girl. She – We – will be forever imprinted upon my life. The trials and tribulations; the lessons; the moments of unfiltered Beauty; and the Affliction. How many language schools are there in this city again? Hundreds?? And how many teachers are at my particular school? 15?? 20??
Why was that particular name on my particular schedule? Why? What reason is there for that? Why was she taking a class during this particular period? Why had I decided to move to this place at this particular moment? Does it matter? Of all the language schools in all the cities in all the world – we had to walk into the same one at the same time.
And so here we are, starting yet another month. Fall has been a technicality and really Winter hasn’t taken hold just yet. It’s as if Mother Nature hasn’t quite decided what she wants in life. A stark parallel to my life right now.
It’s strange, really. The last 2 months have been just about as difficult as the first 3 were easy. And my God, were they easy. The girl talked about North Carolina and the future and how perfect the days were with me. She must have asked me 100 times: “You want married me??” Everything was clear. She wanted me and she wanted a life with me. She told me – almost every day – not to leave Rome. It wouldn’t be fair and her life would be horrible without me.
And then we experienced a huge, huge shift in September for some reason. It’s something I’m still not clear on, but when I told her that I was staying and my parents were selling my car – something changed. In these two months, she’s told me that she never loved me, that she loved me at one time and that she’s only happy when she dreams of life in North Carolina. She has told me that I give her the power to continue to live and she has asked me not to leave her. She has said more things. Somehow, reality found us and has been doing it’s damned best to take us out.
Maybe…just maybe, I’m starting to understand now. Maybe all the dreaming was easy at first – easy because it was so unrealistic. Admittedly, the circumstances surrounding our relationship have been quite fantastic. It has lent itself well to the dreaming.
Nevertheless…I am coming back to this city after Christmas. Probably, I will be coming back to a different place than I left. It’s possible that the girl and I will not stay together for much longer and I could be on another journey – Alone.
Maybe it was to avoid responsibility.
Maybe it was to be a different person.
Or to leave the past behind.
Or to be a teacher.
Or to live in a place so full of history and culture and art.
Maybe it was to find answers.
I hope it was not to find answers. Because I have not found them. In fact, I feel like I have even more questions now than ever.
I have been in this place – away from my home – for 8 months. I have met people from many different countries. I have seen those people come and go. I have seen this country win a World Cup. I have seen this country elect a new government and pass new laws. I have seen this city in ways that I never imagined I would see it. I have seen the graffiti and the homeless and the traffic. I have experienced the horrible public transportation. I have breathed the polluted air but I have not swum in the polluted sea. I have looked at this place with disgust, wonder, apathy and I have looked at it as if it were any other city in all the world – as if it were my own.
A few weeks ago, my family came to visit. My parents, 2 of my sisters, a brother-in-law, and my little niece, Victoria. She’s a lot bigger than I remember. A lot bigger than the last time I saw her back in March. I have missed so much.
Time passes without anyone’s permission. I have seen the seasons change in this city. I arrived during Spring’s beginning. The days were comfortable but the mornings and nights would chill you without a jacket. Everything was new for me and I navigated through this new life of mine with wide eyes and shaking hands. People came and then they left. Never could I have imagined or predicted what events would unfold during this new life stage. The sun rises every morning and with it a new day comes. We never know what the tide will bring in.
Spring somehow changed into summer without notice. It happened without notice because life was simply becoming more involving. A job came about just as quickly as one could hope for. At the time, I just wanted a job – it mattered not where or when or how much. However, those exact things – where and when – would prove to be quite meaningful in the days to come. There are literally hundreds of language schools in this city and I sent my resume to a good chunk of them. I could have worked at any number of schools and I could have met any number of different people. How many different paths could have unfolded in front of me? How many different situations or decisions could I have been faced with? I don’t know, perhaps the path that I found was the only one that existed. And perhaps I didn’t find the path as much as it found me. Perhaps. Whatever the truth is, this path has proven to be quite life altering.
I remember the exact moment when I first saw her name. But it was just a name on a piece of paper. A faceless, soulless, meaningless name that I would teach the English language to and forget. How many students have I had over the last 7 months? How many have come and gone? 200?? It only took my third class ever to change my life. And not just my life here in Rome – my Life. Tuesday, May 9th at 6 p.m. No matter what happens in the future, I will look back upon this period in my life, and I will inevitably think of the girl. She – We – will be forever imprinted upon my life. The trials and tribulations; the lessons; the moments of unfiltered Beauty; and the Affliction. How many language schools are there in this city again? Hundreds?? And how many teachers are at my particular school? 15?? 20??
Why was that particular name on my particular schedule? Why? What reason is there for that? Why was she taking a class during this particular period? Why had I decided to move to this place at this particular moment? Does it matter? Of all the language schools in all the cities in all the world – we had to walk into the same one at the same time.
And so here we are, starting yet another month. Fall has been a technicality and really Winter hasn’t taken hold just yet. It’s as if Mother Nature hasn’t quite decided what she wants in life. A stark parallel to my life right now.
It’s strange, really. The last 2 months have been just about as difficult as the first 3 were easy. And my God, were they easy. The girl talked about North Carolina and the future and how perfect the days were with me. She must have asked me 100 times: “You want married me??” Everything was clear. She wanted me and she wanted a life with me. She told me – almost every day – not to leave Rome. It wouldn’t be fair and her life would be horrible without me.
And then we experienced a huge, huge shift in September for some reason. It’s something I’m still not clear on, but when I told her that I was staying and my parents were selling my car – something changed. In these two months, she’s told me that she never loved me, that she loved me at one time and that she’s only happy when she dreams of life in North Carolina. She has told me that I give her the power to continue to live and she has asked me not to leave her. She has said more things. Somehow, reality found us and has been doing it’s damned best to take us out.
Maybe…just maybe, I’m starting to understand now. Maybe all the dreaming was easy at first – easy because it was so unrealistic. Admittedly, the circumstances surrounding our relationship have been quite fantastic. It has lent itself well to the dreaming.
Nevertheless…I am coming back to this city after Christmas. Probably, I will be coming back to a different place than I left. It’s possible that the girl and I will not stay together for much longer and I could be on another journey – Alone.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
A Blink...
On Monday night, I stood at the bus stop in the rain talking on the phone to my girlfriend about her day and about her mother and about her thesis. It was raining and I was tired but damn, was her voice healing.
Tonight I stood at the same bus stop alone. I wasn’t talking to my girlfriend because I don’t have a girlfriend right now. I feel broken.
In the Blink of an Eye
In the Blink of an Eye, your life can change.
In the Blink of an Eye, you can turn the hallway corner at school and see a girl in a white jumper that gives you pause. You pause, not because on that day she’s stunning (she certainly can be), but rather because on that day something deep down inside of you stirs. Something at a very innate level. You don’t know this girl in the white jumper and you don’t know what this feeling is – but My God, do you have butterflies.
In the Blink of an Eye, the spark can come out of nowhere. That spark you get with another person when you know something is undeniably right about being with her.
In the Blink of an Eye, you can understand that you were brought to this very place and moment and that she was brought to this very place and moment for a reason, and quite on purpose.
In the Blink of an Eye, the world can disappear. A hug between a girl who has a boyfriend and a boy from North Carolina can very easily and very naturally turn into a kiss. A kiss that – I would swear on this – stopped the Earth from rotating for about 10 seconds. The type of kiss that writers write about. That filmmakers dream of filming. The type of kiss that everybody wants as their first kiss with someone. A kiss that you will unquestionably remember for all the days of your life.
In the Blink of an Eye, the image can pop into your head. You know the image. The one you get when you envision – sometimes in the most unlikely of situations – your future with the girl standing in front of you. On a busy Roman road, with your arms wrapped around in front of her, palms on her tummy, looking at furniture. Totally unexpected and totally something you’ve never done before. But somehow it’s comfortable and it isn’t fleeting. It’s real.
In the Blink of an Eye, the girl can look at you with arguably the biggest and brownest eyes in all the world and say things to you that make you look up into the heavens and thank God for inexplicably blessing your life. Things like “Jonathan, don’t go back to North Carolina. It’s not fair that your family and friends get you for years and I for only few months.” Things like “Jonathan, we have more things to do together. We have to walk on street at Christmas with big jackets and scarves. You have to see me play volley. We have to visit Venezia together.”
In the Blink of an Eye, your life can change.
In the Blink of an Eye, the girl in the white jumper can take away all those “I love you”’s that she’s said in the last 2 months. “I don’t love you. In the past or now. I’m sorry.” Everything else has been real, she says. She was saying those words for a month before you returned them to her. And when you finally did – on a cobblestone street in the middle of Trastevere – she wrapped her arms around you and pressed her body against yours as if you had just saved her from the deepest and darkest ocean in the universe. You know what that feels like? First to have someone react like that when you tell her you love her? It’s magical. It really is and it fills your heart with something not of this world. And then to have someone say they want to take those words back? I would rather someone cut off my fingers one by one.
In the Blink of an Eye, you can go from not having a worry in the world, to hanging on for dear life. That’s what it feels like right now. I feel like I just caught a glimpse of the summit…the beauty and the clarity and the views seemed spectacular. It was in grasp, but as I was taking that last step, the rock underneath my feet gave way. And now all I’ve got is one hand holding on – slipping more and more by the second.
In the Blink of an Eye…the girl that so suddenly came into your life, like a whirlwind touching down, could just as suddenly be gone from your life.
It’s real and it hurts like hell. Not because I don’t have a girlfriend right now, but rather, because I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I keep blowing it and I don’t know what to do about that.
Something is terribly wrong with me and I don’t know how to fix it.
Tonight I stood at the same bus stop alone. I wasn’t talking to my girlfriend because I don’t have a girlfriend right now. I feel broken.
In the Blink of an Eye
In the Blink of an Eye, your life can change.
In the Blink of an Eye, you can turn the hallway corner at school and see a girl in a white jumper that gives you pause. You pause, not because on that day she’s stunning (she certainly can be), but rather because on that day something deep down inside of you stirs. Something at a very innate level. You don’t know this girl in the white jumper and you don’t know what this feeling is – but My God, do you have butterflies.
In the Blink of an Eye, the spark can come out of nowhere. That spark you get with another person when you know something is undeniably right about being with her.
In the Blink of an Eye, you can understand that you were brought to this very place and moment and that she was brought to this very place and moment for a reason, and quite on purpose.
In the Blink of an Eye, the world can disappear. A hug between a girl who has a boyfriend and a boy from North Carolina can very easily and very naturally turn into a kiss. A kiss that – I would swear on this – stopped the Earth from rotating for about 10 seconds. The type of kiss that writers write about. That filmmakers dream of filming. The type of kiss that everybody wants as their first kiss with someone. A kiss that you will unquestionably remember for all the days of your life.
In the Blink of an Eye, the image can pop into your head. You know the image. The one you get when you envision – sometimes in the most unlikely of situations – your future with the girl standing in front of you. On a busy Roman road, with your arms wrapped around in front of her, palms on her tummy, looking at furniture. Totally unexpected and totally something you’ve never done before. But somehow it’s comfortable and it isn’t fleeting. It’s real.
In the Blink of an Eye, the girl can look at you with arguably the biggest and brownest eyes in all the world and say things to you that make you look up into the heavens and thank God for inexplicably blessing your life. Things like “Jonathan, don’t go back to North Carolina. It’s not fair that your family and friends get you for years and I for only few months.” Things like “Jonathan, we have more things to do together. We have to walk on street at Christmas with big jackets and scarves. You have to see me play volley. We have to visit Venezia together.”
In the Blink of an Eye, your life can change.
In the Blink of an Eye, the girl in the white jumper can take away all those “I love you”’s that she’s said in the last 2 months. “I don’t love you. In the past or now. I’m sorry.” Everything else has been real, she says. She was saying those words for a month before you returned them to her. And when you finally did – on a cobblestone street in the middle of Trastevere – she wrapped her arms around you and pressed her body against yours as if you had just saved her from the deepest and darkest ocean in the universe. You know what that feels like? First to have someone react like that when you tell her you love her? It’s magical. It really is and it fills your heart with something not of this world. And then to have someone say they want to take those words back? I would rather someone cut off my fingers one by one.
In the Blink of an Eye, you can go from not having a worry in the world, to hanging on for dear life. That’s what it feels like right now. I feel like I just caught a glimpse of the summit…the beauty and the clarity and the views seemed spectacular. It was in grasp, but as I was taking that last step, the rock underneath my feet gave way. And now all I’ve got is one hand holding on – slipping more and more by the second.
In the Blink of an Eye…the girl that so suddenly came into your life, like a whirlwind touching down, could just as suddenly be gone from your life.
It’s real and it hurts like hell. Not because I don’t have a girlfriend right now, but rather, because I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I keep blowing it and I don’t know what to do about that.
Something is terribly wrong with me and I don’t know how to fix it.
Monday, August 28, 2006
I fight myself - it seems like - on a daily basis.
It's been, what, 4 years since I last had a serious, serious relationship?!?
4 years since I last trusted myself with another person.
4 years since I last believed in myself with another person.
4 years since I last wholly trusted another person.
It was a conscientious decision, to be sure. But circumstances that occurred after the decision simply made it easier to follow thru with the course of action.
And so here I am - a man who's not spent more than 2 consecutive months with the same girl in the last 4 years of his life - and I'm pushing 3 months with this ever-so-unexpected girl from Rome.
She's just about as sweet as they come. She's honest with me. She tells me her dreams and her fears. She's not afraid to smile and laugh and kiss me with abandon. She's not afraid to cry in front of me, either.
She does things - like tells me her ex-boyfriend called her - with such aloofness that it's obvious she expects me to care even less than she does. Obvious that there's no reason not to trust her. And there isn't. When I take time to step outside and think, that point becomes quite clear.
But the knee-jerk reaction still dwells somewhere deep inside me. Left over from the mistakes that I've made and the daggers to the heart that I've taken. Sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes, frustrated. Sometimes still, I close up.
But I'm trying. I swear to God, I am.
I see a battle on the horizon, to be honest.
It's been, what, 4 years since I last had a serious, serious relationship?!?
4 years since I last trusted myself with another person.
4 years since I last believed in myself with another person.
4 years since I last wholly trusted another person.
It was a conscientious decision, to be sure. But circumstances that occurred after the decision simply made it easier to follow thru with the course of action.
And so here I am - a man who's not spent more than 2 consecutive months with the same girl in the last 4 years of his life - and I'm pushing 3 months with this ever-so-unexpected girl from Rome.
She's just about as sweet as they come. She's honest with me. She tells me her dreams and her fears. She's not afraid to smile and laugh and kiss me with abandon. She's not afraid to cry in front of me, either.
She does things - like tells me her ex-boyfriend called her - with such aloofness that it's obvious she expects me to care even less than she does. Obvious that there's no reason not to trust her. And there isn't. When I take time to step outside and think, that point becomes quite clear.
But the knee-jerk reaction still dwells somewhere deep inside me. Left over from the mistakes that I've made and the daggers to the heart that I've taken. Sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes, frustrated. Sometimes still, I close up.
But I'm trying. I swear to God, I am.
I see a battle on the horizon, to be honest.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Honestly, I don't know where the time goes. But a month has passed since I last wrote and time will not stand still, no matter what we do.
After a particularly exhausting and boring day on Monday, I slumped into my seat on the almost-vacant bus pulling out of Stazione Termini. Unfortunately, the apartment I chose in late April ended up being about 1000 miles (don't ask me for that in kilometers, please) from where I work. It sometimes is a pain in the ass, but my 50-70 minute commute sometimes gives me time to relax, decompress, and reflect.
Such was the case Monday night.
I'm not sure what I was listening to, but my MP3 player was on and I had been sweating periodically throughout this long and sweltering day, so I'm sure I smelled a little. I crossed my arms and put them on the handlebar directly in front of me. Then I rested my chin on them and stared off into the Roman night. Maybe 4 other people were on the bus with me, and I'm sure I looked quite pitiful and depressed to them. Or perhaps they didn't consider me at all...probably not.
But I wasn't depressed - I was just shutting down for a few minutes. Life sure is different here. Italy is not some 3rd world country, to be sure, but it's on a whole different level from America. There are a lot of poor people here. It's dang near impossible to own a home within the city because living expenses are so high, and wages are so low. If I work 30 hours a week, as a teacher, then my salary is higher than the average for the city. And most of them work quite a bit more than I do.
It's an odd contrast or contradiction of sorts. You can't walk for 5 minutes without seeing evidence of this terrific glory from the past. But today, the city - let alone the country - struggles. If you work for the government, you have a contract for life. It's almost impossible to get fired. Yet others in the private sector struggle mightily to find work.
From what my students tell me, income tax can be as high as 50%, depending on your salary. Yet the city shows no signs of that type of monetary support. It lacks maintenance, renovation and cleaning. Evidence of a large and highly inefficient government, I presume.
Despite all of this - the city remains a magnificent place to be. Which just highlights the potential it has. If traffic could be eased with better public transport; if the cost of living could be brought down; if the city could be cleaned up using some of that tax money. Oh the potential.
I like being here. It's cool as all hell, to be honest. But I don't know how long I will remain. I'm not sure if it's a fault or a virtue - but I just don't like planning anything. Right now, at this moment, I want to stay here for a long time. Years. But who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And it kills me every time Valeria asks me the question.
I tell her not to worry, but it doesn't help. I feel lucky simply because she chose to stick around. Somehow we made it through the little crisis a month ago and have been wonderful ever since. 2 weeks ago we went to Siena for a day and night and had a great time in that romantic little city. She's been gone on vacation this entire week and I honestly didn't think it would matter to me. I have missed her terribly.
Things have escalated - not at an alarming pace, mind you - but at a pace that makes you realize something, something very big, is right about it all. I am trying to stay grounded in all of this. It's difficult not to think about the obvious expanse that divides us but it's a lot of fun to think about the possibilities which lay ahead.
Perhaps part of this little adventure was the idea to separate myself from my life up until this point. To detach, in a way, and reflect upon the things which I have done; the decisions which I have made; and the paths which I have taken. I think that in a way, I have succeeded in this.
For most of my life I have been a very mature person. But it has become increasingly evident to me that in relationships, I can be quite the immature little snob. I don't know why - maybe it stems from the royal treatment my sisters and mother gave me growing up. But whatever the reason, it's my responsibility.
I have expected a lot from my companions. I have expected things to be on my terms.
I think maybe we're getting to that point again, where I have to decide if I'm in or out. Fold or ante up?
Like I said before, eventually I'm going to have to step up...
Saturday, July 01, 2006
I Do Want
Let me first say that this post was written some weeks ago, and much has changed since then. The girl, Valeria, is no longer my student. She no longer has a boyfriend. And our relationship is no longer strictly professional. We have spent a lot of time together and we have shared some magical moments, to be sure. Things which I merely wished for while I was teaching her, have now come true. The English language doesn't lend itself to conveying the beauty of the past 3 weeks.
But now, she's scared. Truth be told, so am I. We met on Friday and she told me, after speaking to a friend, that she thought we didn't have a future. I'm from North Carolina, after all. A long way from Rome. And that she needed a few days to think. We then proceeded to have one fantastic afternoon merely sitting in her car, talking. I know not what happens next. I don't know if this is my place in the story.
I was sitting in front of her. One eye maintaining the "teacher" role that I was supposed to be playing - the other slipping into just "Jonathan".
Maybe it was me. Maybe her. Unsure of how the conversation veered from the educational into the personal, the reality was that it had, and I found myself in the middle of something that I never would have expected.
"I...I don't, umm, understand all the English words" she said, in this very urgent but somehow controlled way of speaking. I was aware that something important was happening, and that she wanted so badly to use words which she didn't yet know - words which would convey the depth of her message.
"But...I understand this."
She looked at me briefly and pointed at her eyes.
"And I understand...how I feel."
At that moment, the obvious language barrier that exists between us became irrelevant. I knew and she knew. And that was all that mattered.
That was Tuesday. In Thursday's class I tried to stay on point, referencing the book more than I usually do in any class. But she wouldn't follow my lead. She kept joking about ex-girlfriends that I had mentioned previously. Or a girl that I told her I'd gone to a party with over the weekend, Nicoletta.
Maybe 30 minutes into the lesson, a brief hush came over us from somewhere. She broke the silence.
"I have a question."
Okay. Maybe she wants to know the difference between Past Simple and Present Perfect tenses. That I can answer.
But that wasn't the question. The question she asked, I couldn't answer.
"After the...after I...finish this...course. What happens?"
It would have been infinitely easier had she been talking about her study of the English language. She wasn't.
"I don't know." And I didn't. I don't know what to say to that because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being a jerk and of being unsatisfied and of hurting the girl. I'm afraid and I've been afraid for a long, long time. But at some point, I'm going to have to step up. So I asked her a question.
"What do you want to happen?"
"I...have a boyfriend. And, I...am scared that you go back to North Carolina. You tell me in first class that you go home in September...October. But, I want to know you."
A few lessons ago, I had offered to continue teaching her on the side after she finished her lessons at the school. I reiterated that offer to her.
"I...I don't want you to teach me. I want to know you...if you want."
"I do. I do want."
But now, she's scared. Truth be told, so am I. We met on Friday and she told me, after speaking to a friend, that she thought we didn't have a future. I'm from North Carolina, after all. A long way from Rome. And that she needed a few days to think. We then proceeded to have one fantastic afternoon merely sitting in her car, talking. I know not what happens next. I don't know if this is my place in the story.
I was sitting in front of her. One eye maintaining the "teacher" role that I was supposed to be playing - the other slipping into just "Jonathan".
Maybe it was me. Maybe her. Unsure of how the conversation veered from the educational into the personal, the reality was that it had, and I found myself in the middle of something that I never would have expected.
"I...I don't, umm, understand all the English words" she said, in this very urgent but somehow controlled way of speaking. I was aware that something important was happening, and that she wanted so badly to use words which she didn't yet know - words which would convey the depth of her message.
"But...I understand this."
She looked at me briefly and pointed at her eyes.
"And I understand...how I feel."
At that moment, the obvious language barrier that exists between us became irrelevant. I knew and she knew. And that was all that mattered.
That was Tuesday. In Thursday's class I tried to stay on point, referencing the book more than I usually do in any class. But she wouldn't follow my lead. She kept joking about ex-girlfriends that I had mentioned previously. Or a girl that I told her I'd gone to a party with over the weekend, Nicoletta.
Maybe 30 minutes into the lesson, a brief hush came over us from somewhere. She broke the silence.
"I have a question."
Okay. Maybe she wants to know the difference between Past Simple and Present Perfect tenses. That I can answer.
But that wasn't the question. The question she asked, I couldn't answer.
"After the...after I...finish this...course. What happens?"
It would have been infinitely easier had she been talking about her study of the English language. She wasn't.
"I don't know." And I didn't. I don't know what to say to that because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being a jerk and of being unsatisfied and of hurting the girl. I'm afraid and I've been afraid for a long, long time. But at some point, I'm going to have to step up. So I asked her a question.
"What do you want to happen?"
"I...have a boyfriend. And, I...am scared that you go back to North Carolina. You tell me in first class that you go home in September...October. But, I want to know you."
A few lessons ago, I had offered to continue teaching her on the side after she finished her lessons at the school. I reiterated that offer to her.
"I...I don't want you to teach me. I want to know you...if you want."
"I do. I do want."
Friday, June 30, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Well?
The Colosseum and The Forums
A Near Perfect Day
The Skies That Particular Shade of Blue - Carolina Blue
Does It Get Any Better?
Monday, June 12, 2006
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Villa Adriana
In lieu of talking about my own personal problems (which have become exponentially more complicated over, say, the last 72 hours - and involve only the female gender - maybe this is why I went on "sabbatical" for so long), I'm simply going to post a nice picture or two.
Enjoy Villa Adriana.
Villa Adriana Temple of Venus
Enjoy Villa Adriana.
Villa Adriana Temple of Venus
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
With apologies to Morbid, who'd already commented, I have taken down a post.
It was about a girl here in Rome and it was kinda personal and I'm not sure if I want to share this one.
I think I wrote about her because I wanted some help. Some assistance with what to think, how to feel. But that's not the way it's supposed to be. I'm not always gonna have someone here to help me decide how to handle situations.
In and of itself, it's a complicated situation, but there's even more to the story than I wrote about. One view of the entire thing is that I'm extraordinarily blessed. Another is that I'm the exact opposite - cursed. It's kinda funny, actually.
Perhaps I'll write about it after the dust has settled. But I think I need to do this one on my own.
Thank You.
It was about a girl here in Rome and it was kinda personal and I'm not sure if I want to share this one.
I think I wrote about her because I wanted some help. Some assistance with what to think, how to feel. But that's not the way it's supposed to be. I'm not always gonna have someone here to help me decide how to handle situations.
In and of itself, it's a complicated situation, but there's even more to the story than I wrote about. One view of the entire thing is that I'm extraordinarily blessed. Another is that I'm the exact opposite - cursed. It's kinda funny, actually.
Perhaps I'll write about it after the dust has settled. But I think I need to do this one on my own.
Thank You.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I swear to God (I know, I shouldn't do that...), there are days when I feel like the luckiest man that has ever existed. Not in the whole world. Not even in the whole universe.
The Luckiest Man That Has EVER Existed.
Have you ever had that feeling? Walking down the street on one of the most innocent and unassuming days of your life - it hits you. This uncontrollable smile spreads itself across your face. Maybe you even chuckle a little bit to yourself, as if you know this really great secret that the rest of the world is ignorant to. It's weird and it's difficult, if not impossible, to describe.
Sure, it's really frickin cool that when someone asks you where you live, you get to reply "Rome". And it's also really cool that you got a job - teaching English, mind you - precisely one day after starting your job search. God has definitely been watching over me.
But it's more than that. It's more than living in this city so rich with history and art and culture and beauty. No...that doesn't even begin to describe the most basic level of this feeling. It's about knowing - deep down in the bottom of your heart and soul - that you are where you were meant to be at precisely the time you were meant to be there. It's about being homesick, but knowing that given the choice, you wouldn't go back home.
The Luckiest Man That Has EVER Existed.
Have you ever had that feeling? Walking down the street on one of the most innocent and unassuming days of your life - it hits you. This uncontrollable smile spreads itself across your face. Maybe you even chuckle a little bit to yourself, as if you know this really great secret that the rest of the world is ignorant to. It's weird and it's difficult, if not impossible, to describe.
Sure, it's really frickin cool that when someone asks you where you live, you get to reply "Rome". And it's also really cool that you got a job - teaching English, mind you - precisely one day after starting your job search. God has definitely been watching over me.
But it's more than that. It's more than living in this city so rich with history and art and culture and beauty. No...that doesn't even begin to describe the most basic level of this feeling. It's about knowing - deep down in the bottom of your heart and soul - that you are where you were meant to be at precisely the time you were meant to be there. It's about being homesick, but knowing that given the choice, you wouldn't go back home.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
This Day
The ever-insightful JT got me thinking with this post of hers.
Here are my thoughts (well, copied from a book, but whatever)...
"I will live this day as if it is my last.
This day is all I have and these hours are now my eternity. Today I shall embrace my woman with sweet kisses; tomorrow she will be gone, and so will I. Today I shall lift up a friend in need; tomorrow he will no longer cry for help, no will I hear his cries.
I will live this day as if it is my last.
And if it is my last, it will be my greatest monument. This day I will make the best day of my life. This day I will drink every minute to its full. I will savor its taste and give thanks.
I will live this day as if it is my last.
And if it is not, I shall fall to my knees and give thanks."
Here are my thoughts (well, copied from a book, but whatever)...
"I will live this day as if it is my last.
This day is all I have and these hours are now my eternity. Today I shall embrace my woman with sweet kisses; tomorrow she will be gone, and so will I. Today I shall lift up a friend in need; tomorrow he will no longer cry for help, no will I hear his cries.
I will live this day as if it is my last.
And if it is my last, it will be my greatest monument. This day I will make the best day of my life. This day I will drink every minute to its full. I will savor its taste and give thanks.
I will live this day as if it is my last.
And if it is not, I shall fall to my knees and give thanks."
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Well, I had my new "J Holden's IT Girl" all picked out. Hilarie Burton. I'm not sure, but I think it's her eyes. Mesmerizing. She's on a show that's filmed in North Carolina - this could work! Unfortunately for me, I found out today that she's married. Buh.
So then I picked Hilarie's co-star on the show - Sophia Bush. With her, it's definitely those dimples. And she has this sexy voice.
And as you can see, she's a Carolina girl. There are none finer in all the world. And she likes puppies!! Oh I just can't resist this last picture.
Sophia is awesome - I would have her in a heartbeat. I'm still a little partial to Hilarie, though.
So then I picked Hilarie's co-star on the show - Sophia Bush. With her, it's definitely those dimples. And she has this sexy voice.
And as you can see, she's a Carolina girl. There are none finer in all the world. And she likes puppies!! Oh I just can't resist this last picture.
Sophia is awesome - I would have her in a heartbeat. I'm still a little partial to Hilarie, though.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Feelin' Good
You know what's funny??
Well, perhaps not funny. Maybe "ironic" is the most accurate choice here.
What's ironic is how some things can be both really awesome and complete torture at the same time. As if this thing, or person, or whatever, has some sort of dual personality. Think about it - is there anything in your life that you love and dread simultaneously?
I have this student. Valeria. Don't say it how you would say it in English. Say it as if you were speaking a Romance language. Roll the "r". A little more emphasis on the "e". Perfect.
She's a Level 1 English student. Which is to say that she's not very advanced. She can form basic structures and converse if the other person uses a limited vocabulary and speaks slowly. She's a university student; whenever she needs to think about something, or look something up, she looks at me and says "Stop" - even if I'm not saying anything. She's hilarious. I have students from all across the spectrum - she is by far my favorite.
I know what you're thinking and you don't need to say anything. Sure, I've got this whole "just go for it" ideology built up here, but that ain't gonna fly in this situation. She's my student and nothing will happen while that holds true.
But this isn't about that. It's probably common opinion that I'm just a big ol' romantic who loves falling in love. Maybe. Or maybe I'm someone who just loves appreciating the things that should be appreciated.
Like the way one of Valeria's front teeth sticks out a little more than the other. Or the way Tara's hair looks like a big bundle of golden scrunchy-thingies when she pulls it back in a ponytail. Or the way Nicole used to kiss me right under my eye, on my cheekbone.
I feel good right now. I felt good riding the train back from work today. I felt proud of myself.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
Well, perhaps not funny. Maybe "ironic" is the most accurate choice here.
What's ironic is how some things can be both really awesome and complete torture at the same time. As if this thing, or person, or whatever, has some sort of dual personality. Think about it - is there anything in your life that you love and dread simultaneously?
I have this student. Valeria. Don't say it how you would say it in English. Say it as if you were speaking a Romance language. Roll the "r". A little more emphasis on the "e". Perfect.
She's a Level 1 English student. Which is to say that she's not very advanced. She can form basic structures and converse if the other person uses a limited vocabulary and speaks slowly. She's a university student; whenever she needs to think about something, or look something up, she looks at me and says "Stop" - even if I'm not saying anything. She's hilarious. I have students from all across the spectrum - she is by far my favorite.
I know what you're thinking and you don't need to say anything. Sure, I've got this whole "just go for it" ideology built up here, but that ain't gonna fly in this situation. She's my student and nothing will happen while that holds true.
But this isn't about that. It's probably common opinion that I'm just a big ol' romantic who loves falling in love. Maybe. Or maybe I'm someone who just loves appreciating the things that should be appreciated.
Like the way one of Valeria's front teeth sticks out a little more than the other. Or the way Tara's hair looks like a big bundle of golden scrunchy-thingies when she pulls it back in a ponytail. Or the way Nicole used to kiss me right under my eye, on my cheekbone.
I feel good right now. I felt good riding the train back from work today. I felt proud of myself.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Some days, I feel like my insides are about to burst.
Even here, while I'm living in this most unbelievable of places, The Eternal City. Even here, something is missing. I don't feel it all of the time. More often than not, everything is right, content.
But in those all-too-quiet of moments, the rustling is there. I can feel it, and I know it well. I feel it now - it's what is driving this post.
I can't really explain it. It's almost as if, on a very deep and sub-conscious level, I know that there is simply much more that I have to do. That my destiny is out there, waiting for me, but waiting rather impatiently. And it seems like my destiny knows that I'm here, and that I know my destiny is there. And that we both know what the other knows.
I'm not sure that I'm ready. I'm not sure that I'm ready for anything, right now. I just do not know.
Even here, while I'm living in this most unbelievable of places, The Eternal City. Even here, something is missing. I don't feel it all of the time. More often than not, everything is right, content.
But in those all-too-quiet of moments, the rustling is there. I can feel it, and I know it well. I feel it now - it's what is driving this post.
I can't really explain it. It's almost as if, on a very deep and sub-conscious level, I know that there is simply much more that I have to do. That my destiny is out there, waiting for me, but waiting rather impatiently. And it seems like my destiny knows that I'm here, and that I know my destiny is there. And that we both know what the other knows.
I'm not sure that I'm ready. I'm not sure that I'm ready for anything, right now. I just do not know.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
You wanna hear a heartbreakingly beautiful song??
Check out James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover"
And that's no exaggeration - it is beautiful - so beautiful that my heart aches when I hear it. Yet I can't listen to it enough.
It's interesting to realize who you think about when you hear it. Maybe a wife or a husband. Maybe a boyfriend. Maybe a lost love. Maybe an Ex.
I know who I think about.
It must mean something significant...thinking of a certain person when you hear a song like that. One of the verses is "I'd be the father of your child".
Guys - how many women would you say that to? How many of the women throughout your entire life would you say those words to?
Three?
One?
None??
I'm not sure what my answer would be, honestly. Some days it might be None. Some days...it might actually be Three.
Anyway...enough of this. Go find the song. Listen to it. Tell me what you think.
(This is right up your alley, Morbid)
Check out James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover"
And that's no exaggeration - it is beautiful - so beautiful that my heart aches when I hear it. Yet I can't listen to it enough.
It's interesting to realize who you think about when you hear it. Maybe a wife or a husband. Maybe a boyfriend. Maybe a lost love. Maybe an Ex.
I know who I think about.
It must mean something significant...thinking of a certain person when you hear a song like that. One of the verses is "I'd be the father of your child".
Guys - how many women would you say that to? How many of the women throughout your entire life would you say those words to?
Three?
One?
None??
I'm not sure what my answer would be, honestly. Some days it might be None. Some days...it might actually be Three.
Anyway...enough of this. Go find the song. Listen to it. Tell me what you think.
(This is right up your alley, Morbid)
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
We Never Know
[Let me preface this post by saying it is a few days old and I am since feeling better about things...one more hurdle to clear...]
I feel like crap right now.
There are 3 or 4 moments from the last few weeks that keep running through my mind. I’ve tried to make myself stop thinking about them, but it is futile. Then I asked myself why I wanted to stop thinking about them.
Maybe I feel like crap right now because the last few weeks have been so rich. What is making me feel like crap? The fact that these people, these moments, these memories are now gone. If they had never existed in my life, then I wouldn’t be feeling like this, would I?
If Sara had never put her arm through mine while we were walking around downtown Rome, then I wouldn’t be thinking about that exact moment right now. I wouldn’t have thought about it 100 times throughout the day today. What is better – missing an amazing moment that you wish you could relive…or never living that moment in the first place?
It sucks right now. But these days are not the ones that last. The moments that I am now thinking about are what stay with us for all of our days. They are what endure. Maybe it will be a while before I feel better. Maybe it will be a while before another one of those moments comes my way. Maybe it will be tomorrow.
We never know what the tide may bring in…
I feel like crap right now.
There are 3 or 4 moments from the last few weeks that keep running through my mind. I’ve tried to make myself stop thinking about them, but it is futile. Then I asked myself why I wanted to stop thinking about them.
Maybe I feel like crap right now because the last few weeks have been so rich. What is making me feel like crap? The fact that these people, these moments, these memories are now gone. If they had never existed in my life, then I wouldn’t be feeling like this, would I?
If Sara had never put her arm through mine while we were walking around downtown Rome, then I wouldn’t be thinking about that exact moment right now. I wouldn’t have thought about it 100 times throughout the day today. What is better – missing an amazing moment that you wish you could relive…or never living that moment in the first place?
It sucks right now. But these days are not the ones that last. The moments that I am now thinking about are what stay with us for all of our days. They are what endure. Maybe it will be a while before I feel better. Maybe it will be a while before another one of those moments comes my way. Maybe it will be tomorrow.
We never know what the tide may bring in…
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Change?
Well, I said goodbye to the girl tonite. We kissed each other’s cheeks, as is customary in Italy, we looked at each other’s eyes for just a moment, as if each of us knew what the other was thinking…and I watched her walk away.
I had promised myself that I was gonna give her an excerpt from my first post about Rome. The part about her teaching the Italian children and about the night she told me that she fancied me.
I didn’t show her.
After our “graduation lunch”, Sara, Philippa and I went to Villa Borghese and laid out in the sun. It’s odd, really. When you know that the time is coming when you will have to say goodbye to someone who you don’t want to say goodbye to. There’s nothing you can do because, well…who can stop the wind from blowing? Who can stop time from passing?
No one can.
Her flight was already booked. Her boyfriend was already waiting for her back in England. Sure, I wanted to move my lips onto hers. But I didn’t. Maybe I’m growing disillusioned. Like I’ve said before, I haven’t had an honest-to-God relationship since Nicole. March of 2002 – that’s when I broke up with her. That’s when I broke her heart. I can still see her sobbing face, trying to push me out of the way to leave my room – me trying to hold her, trying to protect her from the pain that I was causing her.
I desperately wanted to show Sara what I am. I wanted to bring her flowers on her birthday. I wanted to show her what I wrote about her – how much I thought of the moments we shared. I wanted to show her how valuable she is.
But in the end, I just stopped myself. Maybe the complications that arose with Jaime had something to do with this, and maybe what happened with Amanda, too. Maybe if Sara emails me, I will email her back the excerpt from that post. Maybe I’ll tell her: “I honestly hope you and James live happily ever after. But if you don’t…then come back to Rome and let me show you how amazing you are.”
I just don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know how much any of this matters to anyone but me. Maybe no one cares about this stuff anymore. Maybe love is merely convenience for most people. Maybe it’s shrugged off as nothing more than electric signals firing in our brains. Maybe it’s something akin to what chocolate does for most people.
I think it was the right thing to do…leaving it be with Sara. But my God, am I gonna miss that laugh. That ridiculous sense of humor. The way she sang before class in the mornings. In a musical sense…it was horrid. But somehow I just couldn’t get enough of it. The time she put her arm thru mine, as we were walking around downtown Rome. The possibility of what may never be. Some people reading this may think, “Well, that was the mature thing to do, Jonathan. You’re learning and you’re growing up.” I don’t know if I want to grow up and do the “mature” thing. That may sound naive and selfish. But what do you think about whenever you see a child playing in the sun, trying to catch a butterfly? You think innocence, purity, and unfiltered realism. They are unconcerned with how they look or what others think. They just want to catch the butterfly and feel the warmth of the sun on their faces. I don’t know what to call it, that thing which children have…but we lose it when we “grow up and mature”. We are worse for it.
And so it ends. The course that I literally just started is somehow now over. The people that I just introduced myself to are now going their separate ways. Possibilities are now Improbabilities. Another stage ends just as another one begins.
It was frightening leaving the States for Rome, starting this class. But it’s infinitely more frightening right now. No one is here to help. No one is here to pick me up at the airport, or to tell me exactly how to teach English, or what my daily schedule is going to be. Or when the next “Sara” is going to come my way. In truth, I am terrified as I sit here writing this.
I wish that Sara was staying in Rome to teach. We could take this step together. We could discuss lesson plans and students and pay rates and how beautiful Piazza Navona is and how crazy Campo de Fiori is at night.
But as it stands…I am alone. One girl is definitely staying here and another is wavering, likely to go back to Britain. It’s surprising how few of us are staying in Rome to look for employment.
And so this group that I thought would be nothing if not made of camaraderie, has broken apart. Leaving me…standing against the horizon…alone.
Should I have expected anything else?
I had promised myself that I was gonna give her an excerpt from my first post about Rome. The part about her teaching the Italian children and about the night she told me that she fancied me.
I didn’t show her.
After our “graduation lunch”, Sara, Philippa and I went to Villa Borghese and laid out in the sun. It’s odd, really. When you know that the time is coming when you will have to say goodbye to someone who you don’t want to say goodbye to. There’s nothing you can do because, well…who can stop the wind from blowing? Who can stop time from passing?
No one can.
Her flight was already booked. Her boyfriend was already waiting for her back in England. Sure, I wanted to move my lips onto hers. But I didn’t. Maybe I’m growing disillusioned. Like I’ve said before, I haven’t had an honest-to-God relationship since Nicole. March of 2002 – that’s when I broke up with her. That’s when I broke her heart. I can still see her sobbing face, trying to push me out of the way to leave my room – me trying to hold her, trying to protect her from the pain that I was causing her.
I desperately wanted to show Sara what I am. I wanted to bring her flowers on her birthday. I wanted to show her what I wrote about her – how much I thought of the moments we shared. I wanted to show her how valuable she is.
But in the end, I just stopped myself. Maybe the complications that arose with Jaime had something to do with this, and maybe what happened with Amanda, too. Maybe if Sara emails me, I will email her back the excerpt from that post. Maybe I’ll tell her: “I honestly hope you and James live happily ever after. But if you don’t…then come back to Rome and let me show you how amazing you are.”
I just don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know how much any of this matters to anyone but me. Maybe no one cares about this stuff anymore. Maybe love is merely convenience for most people. Maybe it’s shrugged off as nothing more than electric signals firing in our brains. Maybe it’s something akin to what chocolate does for most people.
I think it was the right thing to do…leaving it be with Sara. But my God, am I gonna miss that laugh. That ridiculous sense of humor. The way she sang before class in the mornings. In a musical sense…it was horrid. But somehow I just couldn’t get enough of it. The time she put her arm thru mine, as we were walking around downtown Rome. The possibility of what may never be. Some people reading this may think, “Well, that was the mature thing to do, Jonathan. You’re learning and you’re growing up.” I don’t know if I want to grow up and do the “mature” thing. That may sound naive and selfish. But what do you think about whenever you see a child playing in the sun, trying to catch a butterfly? You think innocence, purity, and unfiltered realism. They are unconcerned with how they look or what others think. They just want to catch the butterfly and feel the warmth of the sun on their faces. I don’t know what to call it, that thing which children have…but we lose it when we “grow up and mature”. We are worse for it.
And so it ends. The course that I literally just started is somehow now over. The people that I just introduced myself to are now going their separate ways. Possibilities are now Improbabilities. Another stage ends just as another one begins.
It was frightening leaving the States for Rome, starting this class. But it’s infinitely more frightening right now. No one is here to help. No one is here to pick me up at the airport, or to tell me exactly how to teach English, or what my daily schedule is going to be. Or when the next “Sara” is going to come my way. In truth, I am terrified as I sit here writing this.
I wish that Sara was staying in Rome to teach. We could take this step together. We could discuss lesson plans and students and pay rates and how beautiful Piazza Navona is and how crazy Campo de Fiori is at night.
But as it stands…I am alone. One girl is definitely staying here and another is wavering, likely to go back to Britain. It’s surprising how few of us are staying in Rome to look for employment.
And so this group that I thought would be nothing if not made of camaraderie, has broken apart. Leaving me…standing against the horizon…alone.
Should I have expected anything else?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Make It Go Away
How do you reason out something like this??
If I take just about every single individual characteristic and value it on it’s own, I shouldn’t be attracted to her. Physically, she doesn’t do that much for me. She seems like she needs to be the center of attention just slightly more so than I’d prefer. She thinks she’s right all of the time. Literally. Her cup MUST be the one on the right, because well, she’s right. When her current boyfriend broke up with her a while back, she immediately jumped into bed with one of her exes. She doesn’t think she’s ever made a mistake. She told me so…with a straight face.
I have tried in earnest to convince myself to not like her. No, I’ve tried to make myself hate her. I have sat in Piazza del Popolo and conscientiously thought all negative thoughts about her.
But I’ll be damned if it just doesn’t work.
I went to class today in a really foul mood. I might have spoke 20 words all day. Sara even said to me “You’re being quiet today Jonathan.”
“Me?”
That’s all I said, then I shrugged my shoulders – I guess in an effort to show her how displeased I am. But at the end of the day, all I wanted was for her to be looking at me during class. For her to stop on the way out and ask me if I wanted to watch a movie with her back at her place. Simple, ain’t it?
No, I guess not.
And so now I’m sitting here alone, writing this, thinking about her, knowing that I should be studying, and I’m drinking Rum & Cokes.
I’m drinking alone. And a night on the town is not in the immediate future. I’ve never done this before. That’s how I know something is wrong.
Yea, sure…I like her accent. But I like her laugh so much more. I like it when she straightens her almost-curly hair. I like it when she puts her face really close to her desk when she’s reading or doing a worksheet. I do like her eyes.
I guess when everything is laid out in front of you…nothing else matters other than how you feel.
She’s just a girl. I’m just a boy. And I do like her.
If I take just about every single individual characteristic and value it on it’s own, I shouldn’t be attracted to her. Physically, she doesn’t do that much for me. She seems like she needs to be the center of attention just slightly more so than I’d prefer. She thinks she’s right all of the time. Literally. Her cup MUST be the one on the right, because well, she’s right. When her current boyfriend broke up with her a while back, she immediately jumped into bed with one of her exes. She doesn’t think she’s ever made a mistake. She told me so…with a straight face.
I have tried in earnest to convince myself to not like her. No, I’ve tried to make myself hate her. I have sat in Piazza del Popolo and conscientiously thought all negative thoughts about her.
But I’ll be damned if it just doesn’t work.
I went to class today in a really foul mood. I might have spoke 20 words all day. Sara even said to me “You’re being quiet today Jonathan.”
“Me?”
That’s all I said, then I shrugged my shoulders – I guess in an effort to show her how displeased I am. But at the end of the day, all I wanted was for her to be looking at me during class. For her to stop on the way out and ask me if I wanted to watch a movie with her back at her place. Simple, ain’t it?
No, I guess not.
And so now I’m sitting here alone, writing this, thinking about her, knowing that I should be studying, and I’m drinking Rum & Cokes.
I’m drinking alone. And a night on the town is not in the immediate future. I’ve never done this before. That’s how I know something is wrong.
Yea, sure…I like her accent. But I like her laugh so much more. I like it when she straightens her almost-curly hair. I like it when she puts her face really close to her desk when she’s reading or doing a worksheet. I do like her eyes.
I guess when everything is laid out in front of you…nothing else matters other than how you feel.
She’s just a girl. I’m just a boy. And I do like her.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Angry Rant (Sorry in Advance)
It’s the lesson. Again.
The same one I’ve been learning over and over and over for years. Life keeps shoving the lesson down my throat. I swallowed it up the first time I encountered it – a convenient reason to keep any and everyone at a distance. To keep from having to deal with all the crap that comes with caring. Why care, when no one appreciates it? Girls don’t appreciate good guys who care; they appreciate guys who grow weed in the storage closet. Obviously.
Recently, I had grown to resent the lesson. But why? What good has that done me of late??
Jack Shit…that’s what.
RELY ON NO ONE. BE AFFECTED BY NO ONE.
It’s so clean, so simple. If only I could buy into it once again.
What is it this time, you ask?? Well, dammit, what is it every time?? I’m sitting here in my Roman apartment at 1 frickin a.m. and I feel like the most retarded and gullible person in the history of the universe.
Whoever invented the whole “hot and cold” thing that girls do to guys…well, I’ve found the person who’s perfected the technique. What the hell is the point to that, anyway? What happened in the girl’s life to make her have a need to play this game?? If you like someone…JUST GO WITH IT. If you don’t like that person, then SO BE IT. And so here I am again, getting sucker punched. Happens every time, it seems.
It’s always something…ain’t it?? They either act differently after 6 months compared to when you first met them, or they throw themselves at you one night, only to pull the exact opposite the following night, or they only want you for sex, or they’re completely psychotic. Pick one. Or two…whatever.
“You’re really lovely, I quite fancy you, Jonathan…now I’m going to wrap my leg around yours and stroke my foot up and down your leg while I’m asking you if you fancy me” somehow turned into “ “.
Yep…you’re seeing that right. Quotation marks with a blank space in between. That’s all I’ve got right now from Sara. Explain that one. And don’t even think about asking me what happened, cause I have no idea. It’s enough to make a man go crazy.
You know how everyone always asks “Where are all the good men these days?”
Well, I have a MUCH better question for you fine folks:
Where are all the good women these days??
The same one I’ve been learning over and over and over for years. Life keeps shoving the lesson down my throat. I swallowed it up the first time I encountered it – a convenient reason to keep any and everyone at a distance. To keep from having to deal with all the crap that comes with caring. Why care, when no one appreciates it? Girls don’t appreciate good guys who care; they appreciate guys who grow weed in the storage closet. Obviously.
Recently, I had grown to resent the lesson. But why? What good has that done me of late??
Jack Shit…that’s what.
RELY ON NO ONE. BE AFFECTED BY NO ONE.
It’s so clean, so simple. If only I could buy into it once again.
What is it this time, you ask?? Well, dammit, what is it every time?? I’m sitting here in my Roman apartment at 1 frickin a.m. and I feel like the most retarded and gullible person in the history of the universe.
Whoever invented the whole “hot and cold” thing that girls do to guys…well, I’ve found the person who’s perfected the technique. What the hell is the point to that, anyway? What happened in the girl’s life to make her have a need to play this game?? If you like someone…JUST GO WITH IT. If you don’t like that person, then SO BE IT. And so here I am again, getting sucker punched. Happens every time, it seems.
It’s always something…ain’t it?? They either act differently after 6 months compared to when you first met them, or they throw themselves at you one night, only to pull the exact opposite the following night, or they only want you for sex, or they’re completely psychotic. Pick one. Or two…whatever.
“You’re really lovely, I quite fancy you, Jonathan…now I’m going to wrap my leg around yours and stroke my foot up and down your leg while I’m asking you if you fancy me” somehow turned into “ “.
Yep…you’re seeing that right. Quotation marks with a blank space in between. That’s all I’ve got right now from Sara. Explain that one. And don’t even think about asking me what happened, cause I have no idea. It’s enough to make a man go crazy.
You know how everyone always asks “Where are all the good men these days?”
Well, I have a MUCH better question for you fine folks:
Where are all the good women these days??
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
The Bumbling Idiot
So I’ve been in Rome now for two and a half weeks. It literally seems like two days ago that I got here. I have had a blast. Has the TEFL course been intense?? You better believe it. I’ve learned more grammar here than I could remember from all my English classes in high school and college. And I had a lot of ‘em.
It’s amazing to think that 10 months ago, I was walking thru these same streets in complete awe, trying to soak up every little thing that I could. Now, that urgency has subdued somewhat. I never want to lose it, because my God, every day must be lived to its fullest. But St. Peter’s is about a football field away from my school. Piazza Navona is 90 degrees south, the same distance. I’m living among these things. It is a wonderful feeling.
This was such a good decision. Thank God. Even if I stay here for another month or two, never find a job teaching English, and just completely blow thru my savings…I will never regret it. These moments, these people, these memories…they are what define us. We take them with us for all our days.
Our class is relatively small. Typically there are 20 or 30 students. We have 10, which I like. It’s so much more personal and everyone knows everyone else. We even know each other’s little things and habits. Katie has been financially disowned by her parents. Helen is completely neurotic. Mason is from North Carolina…about an hour from where I am. It’s really damn cool. I wish we could just stay in this class for another month or two.
And obviously, there is a girl. If you had asked me after the first day if there was anyone I’d be interested in, you would have gotten a resounding “no”. So much for basing everything on looks, huh? Her name is Sara, she’s English, and she’s awesome. We’ve spent a lot of time together – she’s going back to England after the course, so we’ll soon be parting ways. She is going back because she has a boyfriend who she's crazy in love with, but it’s okay, because I know she’s not “the One”. I know her well enough to make that judgment, and as I was walking home from school today, God confirmed that for me. My first real conversation with Him in quite a while.
But you know what?? None of that matters when you’re watching her teach three 10-year-old Italian children about animals and clothes and colors in English. Nothing outside of that moment matters. The world freezes and nothing else exists. What an incredible scene. I could have sat in that classroom and watched her for hours. It’s pure. It’s unforgettable. Listening to her – in this rich English accent – tell the children what feathers are, and then catching her eyes for a moment that lasted just a bit longer than most moments do is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
She and I and two other girls went out last Friday. After three glasses of wine, Sara was making confessions.
“You’re really lovely, you know. I quite fancy you, Jonathan.”
“Oh, that’s just the wine talking.”
“No, no it’s not. I do fancy you. Do you fancy me?”
If someone could just tell me what to say to girls…I’d be better off. After all these years, I’m still a bumbling idiot.
“I’m not sure if I want to answer that, Sara.”
“Why not??”
If I only could have said, “Well, because you have a boyfriend back in England. And I’ve been that guy before. The one that steals the girl from her unknowing boyfriend…and sometimes in the end, it’s not much fun being that guy. Because sometimes that guy walks away with nothing. And because if I tell you the truth – that I do, in fact, fancy you – then the flirting that is going on between us may only intensify. And I don’t really trust myself in situations like that.”
But I couldn’t say that. Or rather, I didn’t say it. We spent the rest of the night with our legs wrapped around each other’s underneath the table. I saw the girls home and spent the night at Sara’s, but in a separate bed. It was 1 a.m. and I had no idea how to get home. So I accepted her offer.
And now I wish I had just told her. I want to tell her now.
“Yes. I do fancy you, Sara. Quite a bit.”
It’s amazing to think that 10 months ago, I was walking thru these same streets in complete awe, trying to soak up every little thing that I could. Now, that urgency has subdued somewhat. I never want to lose it, because my God, every day must be lived to its fullest. But St. Peter’s is about a football field away from my school. Piazza Navona is 90 degrees south, the same distance. I’m living among these things. It is a wonderful feeling.
This was such a good decision. Thank God. Even if I stay here for another month or two, never find a job teaching English, and just completely blow thru my savings…I will never regret it. These moments, these people, these memories…they are what define us. We take them with us for all our days.
Our class is relatively small. Typically there are 20 or 30 students. We have 10, which I like. It’s so much more personal and everyone knows everyone else. We even know each other’s little things and habits. Katie has been financially disowned by her parents. Helen is completely neurotic. Mason is from North Carolina…about an hour from where I am. It’s really damn cool. I wish we could just stay in this class for another month or two.
And obviously, there is a girl. If you had asked me after the first day if there was anyone I’d be interested in, you would have gotten a resounding “no”. So much for basing everything on looks, huh? Her name is Sara, she’s English, and she’s awesome. We’ve spent a lot of time together – she’s going back to England after the course, so we’ll soon be parting ways. She is going back because she has a boyfriend who she's crazy in love with, but it’s okay, because I know she’s not “the One”. I know her well enough to make that judgment, and as I was walking home from school today, God confirmed that for me. My first real conversation with Him in quite a while.
But you know what?? None of that matters when you’re watching her teach three 10-year-old Italian children about animals and clothes and colors in English. Nothing outside of that moment matters. The world freezes and nothing else exists. What an incredible scene. I could have sat in that classroom and watched her for hours. It’s pure. It’s unforgettable. Listening to her – in this rich English accent – tell the children what feathers are, and then catching her eyes for a moment that lasted just a bit longer than most moments do is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
She and I and two other girls went out last Friday. After three glasses of wine, Sara was making confessions.
“You’re really lovely, you know. I quite fancy you, Jonathan.”
“Oh, that’s just the wine talking.”
“No, no it’s not. I do fancy you. Do you fancy me?”
If someone could just tell me what to say to girls…I’d be better off. After all these years, I’m still a bumbling idiot.
“I’m not sure if I want to answer that, Sara.”
“Why not??”
If I only could have said, “Well, because you have a boyfriend back in England. And I’ve been that guy before. The one that steals the girl from her unknowing boyfriend…and sometimes in the end, it’s not much fun being that guy. Because sometimes that guy walks away with nothing. And because if I tell you the truth – that I do, in fact, fancy you – then the flirting that is going on between us may only intensify. And I don’t really trust myself in situations like that.”
But I couldn’t say that. Or rather, I didn’t say it. We spent the rest of the night with our legs wrapped around each other’s underneath the table. I saw the girls home and spent the night at Sara’s, but in a separate bed. It was 1 a.m. and I had no idea how to get home. So I accepted her offer.
And now I wish I had just told her. I want to tell her now.
“Yes. I do fancy you, Sara. Quite a bit.”
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I have no idea what I've gotten myself into, but a big "Thank You" goes out to all of you that have given support and words of wisdom.
I leave Thursday at 2:20 p.m. and I honestly don't know what to do.
There is a massive struggle going on inside this mind and body of mine. It's like one of those huge battle scenes in Braveheart or Gladiator - the mass of men from opposite sides of the field rush towards each other, colliding in one big wave at the center.
"Don't go...back out. Sure, you're out eight hundred bucks, but it's a helluva lot safer than going over there. You're crazy for thinking this will work. You can't do it - you don't have what it takes."
"Man, this is gonna be the best. You're gonna have a load of fun and you're doing something that you'll likely never be able to do again. Everyone who knows you're doing this has expressed their desire to do something similar - how cool it is - and how much they admire you for doing it. Take advantage. You can do it - you have what it takes."
The dialogue just keeps getting louder and louder. Deafening, almost.
I'm cutting internet service off tomorrow, so no more posts. Maybe for a while. But I'll be back...somewhere on the opposite end of this.
Thank You, again.
I leave Thursday at 2:20 p.m. and I honestly don't know what to do.
There is a massive struggle going on inside this mind and body of mine. It's like one of those huge battle scenes in Braveheart or Gladiator - the mass of men from opposite sides of the field rush towards each other, colliding in one big wave at the center.
"Don't go...back out. Sure, you're out eight hundred bucks, but it's a helluva lot safer than going over there. You're crazy for thinking this will work. You can't do it - you don't have what it takes."
"Man, this is gonna be the best. You're gonna have a load of fun and you're doing something that you'll likely never be able to do again. Everyone who knows you're doing this has expressed their desire to do something similar - how cool it is - and how much they admire you for doing it. Take advantage. You can do it - you have what it takes."
The dialogue just keeps getting louder and louder. Deafening, almost.
I'm cutting internet service off tomorrow, so no more posts. Maybe for a while. But I'll be back...somewhere on the opposite end of this.
Thank You, again.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Why?
I sit alone in a room at night. Trying to divert my attention from the reality that is set in front of me. Part of it I have created for myself. Part of it, I have not.
The diversions do not last. I think about the things that I am leaving behind. I think of the things that I WISH I was leaving behind. And of the things that I wish I did not have to leave behind.
I sometimes wonder how certain people would feel if I died. What would be the lasting impression? What would it mean to them?
Would they be sad? Devastated? Relieved? Unconcerned??
In some ways, I feel like I HAVE to move away from here - so that when I come back, I can move forward from here.
I haven't had an Honest-to-God serious relationship with a girl since Nicole.
Abby - oh, Abby ended up not being in my life for a girlfriend role. She had a different part to play.
Jaime - well, that was just one very messy scenario.
Jenn - sure, we dated for a while, but there was nothing there. It was a relationship born out of convenience.
Kasha - see above.
Amanda - she and I had a whirlwind of a romance last summer. What my dad called serendipity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it became clear to us both that it was not meant to be.
Maybe I'm waiting for her to come back to me. I honestly do not know anymore. I know that it's been increasingly difficult for me to show interest, at least initially, in a girl. It's almost as if I have to fight my instincts.
Maybe she played a part in my decision to leave. I honestly don't know that either. I haven't seen her in over a year and a half. I haven't heard her voice in almost that long. We talk over IM every now and then. But what is that? Is that real?
You would think her face would have vanished from my mind's eye. Far from it.
She has a different life now. A life to plan and work for and LIVE.
I do not have a place in it any longer.
Perhaps that is why I am leaving…
The diversions do not last. I think about the things that I am leaving behind. I think of the things that I WISH I was leaving behind. And of the things that I wish I did not have to leave behind.
I sometimes wonder how certain people would feel if I died. What would be the lasting impression? What would it mean to them?
Would they be sad? Devastated? Relieved? Unconcerned??
In some ways, I feel like I HAVE to move away from here - so that when I come back, I can move forward from here.
I haven't had an Honest-to-God serious relationship with a girl since Nicole.
Abby - oh, Abby ended up not being in my life for a girlfriend role. She had a different part to play.
Jaime - well, that was just one very messy scenario.
Jenn - sure, we dated for a while, but there was nothing there. It was a relationship born out of convenience.
Kasha - see above.
Amanda - she and I had a whirlwind of a romance last summer. What my dad called serendipity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it became clear to us both that it was not meant to be.
Maybe I'm waiting for her to come back to me. I honestly do not know anymore. I know that it's been increasingly difficult for me to show interest, at least initially, in a girl. It's almost as if I have to fight my instincts.
Maybe she played a part in my decision to leave. I honestly don't know that either. I haven't seen her in over a year and a half. I haven't heard her voice in almost that long. We talk over IM every now and then. But what is that? Is that real?
You would think her face would have vanished from my mind's eye. Far from it.
She has a different life now. A life to plan and work for and LIVE.
I do not have a place in it any longer.
Perhaps that is why I am leaving…
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
A Choice
For some time now, I have been frozen by the grip of Indecision. Unsure of what to do, where to go, and what to make of my life.
Perhaps this is not the right decision. Perhaps this path will be short-lived. Who knows? Until you try?
But come late March, I will be off to Rome. I will embark on a path and become certified to teach English as a Foreign Language. Ever since my Spring Break trip there during junior year in high school, I have been in love with Italy. My journey this past summer only reaffirmed what I already felt.
Her glory. Her beauty. Her mystique.
Part of me wants to live there and experience her culture. I want to finally learn the Italian language. I want to immerse myself in the art and architecture and deep history of that place.
Part of me wants to teach. I want to influence young lives in the best way that I can and I want the freedoms that come with being a teacher. I want to coach. This will give me an avenue into that.
And part of me feels like there is nothing left for me here right now. I feel alone - standing against the horizon, with the weight of love, disappointment, loss and beauty pressing down on my shoulders.
Thomas Wolfe said that you can never go home again. Even though I love his writing, and even though he’s a fellow North Carolina graduate, I tend to disagree with him on that.
I think you can go home again. And I think that home can be any number of places. My heart loves this place that I am in right now – the place I grew up in. It loves Chapel Hill just as passionately.
But I think it may be time for another stage to begin. I don’t want to leave my family. My friends. Tara or Nicole. Or my little niece, Victoria. I don’t want to miss Tar Heel basketball. I would love to be in Chapel Hill with all my friends and live it up.
However, sometimes, you just have a feeling.
I may stay for 3 months. I may stay for 3 years. I do not know where the path turns next. In truth, I am terrified. You could say that I have something of a fear of commitment. I had serious problems signing the lease to the townhouse that me and 6 of my college boys stayed in our senior year.
So, to say that I struggled with putting the $500 deposit down for this course would be an understatement. But several weeks ago I finally heard from a mutual friend who did this same thing and recommended this particular company. And the last few weeks at church, the messages have been about seizing the day, trusting in the Father, and asking yourself the right questions.
Do not ask “how?” “How?” is a question for skeptics. A question for the timid. I will not be timid. “How?” is God’s domain. That’s the question for him to answer.
Rather, ask yourself “What?” As in what do you want? What will make you come alive? What is it that your heart cries out for? That is our domain.
I want to live in Italy. Among the glory of Rome, the beautiful structures, the undeniable history, the romance.
I want to act. Not for the fame or the money. Actually, I think I’d rather dislike the fame. But stepping into and out of different situations, people, and places is quite a bit of fun. I want to explore different stories – I want to be part of them. Oh, how I love it.
So my life is set to change dramatically very soon. I know a few people who will be in that part of the world. Perhaps our paths will cross. Perhaps not.
This should be interesting.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
7 Songs and a Tag
I have been tagged by Memphis Steve. The rules: List 7 songs you're into right now. No matter the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to.
1. "You're Beautiful" - by James Blunt
2. "Missing You" - by Tyler Hilton
3. "Bless the Broken Road" - by Rascal Flatts
4. "Collide" - by Dishwalla
5. "Hell Yeah" - by Neil Diamond
6. "Evermore" - by Neil Diamond
7. "Untitled" - by Simple Plan
Yea, so some of these are new, some are old. All of them, except for Rascal Flatts and Neil Diamond, I found on my favorite T.V. show. That's how I find a lot of the songs I like.
Now, I am tagging:
Manic Mom
Christa
Ex-Girlfriend
The Traveler
Steven
JT
Trey
1. "You're Beautiful" - by James Blunt
2. "Missing You" - by Tyler Hilton
3. "Bless the Broken Road" - by Rascal Flatts
4. "Collide" - by Dishwalla
5. "Hell Yeah" - by Neil Diamond
6. "Evermore" - by Neil Diamond
7. "Untitled" - by Simple Plan
Yea, so some of these are new, some are old. All of them, except for Rascal Flatts and Neil Diamond, I found on my favorite T.V. show. That's how I find a lot of the songs I like.
Now, I am tagging:
Manic Mom
Christa
Ex-Girlfriend
The Traveler
Steven
JT
Trey
Saturday, February 18, 2006
| Your Personality Profile |
 You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
| Your 1920's Name is: |
 |
| How You Live Your Life |
 You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it. |
| Your Seduction Style: Prized Object |
 The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for. |
| Your Porn Star Name Is... |
 |
STROKER JOHN!?!?!
Now THAT is classic.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Everyone should take a gander at Trey's post, laying out in simple terms...
The Political Difference
Well done, Trey.
The Political Difference
Well done, Trey.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The greatest and most storied college basketball program in all the Land.
The Southern Part of Heaven.
Dean Smith.
Michael Jordan.
James Worthy.
Phil Ford.
Kenny Smith.
Vince Carter.
Sam Perkins.
The wannabe's 8 miles down the road.
Pseudo-Ivy League School.
Nerds transplanted from New Jersey.
A coach that berates referees and players.
Good Vs. Evil.
Tonite, the greatest rivalry in all of sports resumes. Carolina Vs. Dook.
Bring it, Dook.
I'm a Tar Heel Born
I'm a Tar Heel Bred
and when I die I'm a Tar Heel Dead
So Rah Rah Carolina-lina
Rah Rah Carolina-lina
Rah Rah Carolina
GO TO HELL DOOK!
GO TAR HEELS!
Saturday, February 04, 2006
No Shot
Oh, I am totally hopeless. I’m in love and I have no shot.
Kristin Kreuk.
She’s petite, she’s unbearably cute and she would never give me a second look. The quintessential J Holden type. She is not a huge star. She is not some superficially perfect bombshell. She’s not even a really great actress, although I do love watching her act.
One of her teeth on the left side of her mouth sticks out just a little more than the others. She has this slightly exotic and wildly unique look about her. The perfect mix of European and Asian genes.
I don’t think she is someone who would stop me in my tracks at first sight. But rather, someone who strikes you more and more every time you look at her. That’s the best.
Ahhh, maybe someday I’ll make it to Hollywood – like I often dream about. Maybe, then, I’ll meet Kristin. If I ever do, you better believe I’ll take my shot.
Even if I don’t really have one.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
A Parable
My favorite television show was on last week.
The main character finally got what he wanted. He won the girl. He had spent years and years wanting her, but had been unwilling to reveal his Secret to her, and hence unable to get close to her.
But this week, Destiny was allowed to unfold. He took the ultimate chance. He risked it all. He laid everything he had out on the table in an effort to win her. The Secret was told and a marriage proposal followed. So now the girl knew all there was to know about him. She knew the Truth.
And she accepted. She accepted him and she accepted his proposal. It was Beautiful. Things were as they were meant to be. All was right with the world.
However…Evil stepped in and took it all away. Being chased in a car by her new fiancé’s worst enemy, the girl was hit by a bus. Killed. The Enemy desperately wanted to know the Secret and he let rage take control.
Despite all of his powers, the Hero was unable to get there in time. This time, he couldn’t save her. Everything was finally right but quickly, everything turned wrong.
Miraculously given a second chance to alter these events – the Hero withheld his Secret this time. Scared that the girl, knowing this valuable information, would forever be put in harm’s way – he decided that it was better to not be with her.
What a decision.
Can you imagine pushing your Soul Mate away? For ANY reason?
Someone that you’ve wanted to be with for as long as you can remember. Someone who you know, right down to the bottom of your big, thumping heart, is the One.
Oh, I know that I’m a softie. Always have been. But the events that unfolded in this episode were some of the most beautiful, yet tragic and sad events that I’ve ever witnessed on screen.
It’s fake – I know. It’s just a story. But what is a story?
It’s a parable of Life. Things like this do happen, after all. That’s what that song, “You’re Beautiful” is about.
“But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.”
The main character finally got what he wanted. He won the girl. He had spent years and years wanting her, but had been unwilling to reveal his Secret to her, and hence unable to get close to her.
But this week, Destiny was allowed to unfold. He took the ultimate chance. He risked it all. He laid everything he had out on the table in an effort to win her. The Secret was told and a marriage proposal followed. So now the girl knew all there was to know about him. She knew the Truth.
And she accepted. She accepted him and she accepted his proposal. It was Beautiful. Things were as they were meant to be. All was right with the world.
However…Evil stepped in and took it all away. Being chased in a car by her new fiancé’s worst enemy, the girl was hit by a bus. Killed. The Enemy desperately wanted to know the Secret and he let rage take control.
Despite all of his powers, the Hero was unable to get there in time. This time, he couldn’t save her. Everything was finally right but quickly, everything turned wrong.
Miraculously given a second chance to alter these events – the Hero withheld his Secret this time. Scared that the girl, knowing this valuable information, would forever be put in harm’s way – he decided that it was better to not be with her.
What a decision.
Can you imagine pushing your Soul Mate away? For ANY reason?
Someone that you’ve wanted to be with for as long as you can remember. Someone who you know, right down to the bottom of your big, thumping heart, is the One.
Oh, I know that I’m a softie. Always have been. But the events that unfolded in this episode were some of the most beautiful, yet tragic and sad events that I’ve ever witnessed on screen.
It’s fake – I know. It’s just a story. But what is a story?
It’s a parable of Life. Things like this do happen, after all. That’s what that song, “You’re Beautiful” is about.
“But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.”
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Frozen
So I’ve been thinking about the girl a lot. The girl I wrote about last time. Nicole.
I have grown up quite a bit over the past 2 years. I feel like the same person deep down – the same shy, not-quite-so-confident, nice guy that I’ve always been. I’ve always known how to act – the difference between right and wrong.
But I’m so much more grateful. I have been lucky beyond anything that I deserve and I have come to a point where I can appreciate that, cherish it, and tell it to those that have had a part in it. I’m more passionate. I was once in a place where “Rely on no one, be affected by no one” was my personal motto. Literally. I read that quote in an issue of Sports Illustrated, tore it out, and pinned it to my wall at college.
No longer.
Nicole loved me. Even though she knew I wasn’t going to say it back to her, she said it to me. And she showed it. She showed it while we were going out. She showed it while I was pulling away. She showed it, even, while I was being a prick.
I have been granted the love of 2 women. And the way I figure it, that’s 2 more than a lot of people get in their lifetime. And even though both of them are in entirely different places now, no words can possibly express how deeply thankful and blessed I feel because of their love.
The night that Abby and I danced out in that gazebo – she spoke words to me that simultaneously broke my heart a little as well as uplifted me.
“It would be so easy to fall in love with you, Jonathan. But that’s not where God wants me to go.”
Oh, I cannot describe to you how devastated I was. At the time, I was so sure that we were meant to be together. However, that was not Abby’s purpose in my life. Her purpose was to start me on the journey back to my Father. I was ruined, but at that moment, I also knew that I was dancing with someone who I didn’t deserve to dance with, and so I should soak in the moment just as much as humanly possible.
Similarly, I now see much more clearly just how amazing Nicole was and is still. Part of me cannot help but wonder whether all of this will come full-circle. We’re in vastly different parts of our lives right now. But what if?
What if we couldn’t be together the first time because we – or rather, I – simply had some growing up to do?
I came across a picture the other day of her and I. A few years ago, at my sister’s wedding (and yes, Nicole did catch the bouquet). In the picture, we’re dancing. Her hand in mine. My arm around the small of her back. Noses almost touching.
And we’re off to the side, almost as if in the picture by pure accident. It seems as if the picture wasn’t supposed to be of us, but somehow, that moment simply had to be caught.
Frozen in time by Fate.
I have grown up quite a bit over the past 2 years. I feel like the same person deep down – the same shy, not-quite-so-confident, nice guy that I’ve always been. I’ve always known how to act – the difference between right and wrong.
But I’m so much more grateful. I have been lucky beyond anything that I deserve and I have come to a point where I can appreciate that, cherish it, and tell it to those that have had a part in it. I’m more passionate. I was once in a place where “Rely on no one, be affected by no one” was my personal motto. Literally. I read that quote in an issue of Sports Illustrated, tore it out, and pinned it to my wall at college.
No longer.
Nicole loved me. Even though she knew I wasn’t going to say it back to her, she said it to me. And she showed it. She showed it while we were going out. She showed it while I was pulling away. She showed it, even, while I was being a prick.
I have been granted the love of 2 women. And the way I figure it, that’s 2 more than a lot of people get in their lifetime. And even though both of them are in entirely different places now, no words can possibly express how deeply thankful and blessed I feel because of their love.
The night that Abby and I danced out in that gazebo – she spoke words to me that simultaneously broke my heart a little as well as uplifted me.
“It would be so easy to fall in love with you, Jonathan. But that’s not where God wants me to go.”
Oh, I cannot describe to you how devastated I was. At the time, I was so sure that we were meant to be together. However, that was not Abby’s purpose in my life. Her purpose was to start me on the journey back to my Father. I was ruined, but at that moment, I also knew that I was dancing with someone who I didn’t deserve to dance with, and so I should soak in the moment just as much as humanly possible.
Similarly, I now see much more clearly just how amazing Nicole was and is still. Part of me cannot help but wonder whether all of this will come full-circle. We’re in vastly different parts of our lives right now. But what if?
What if we couldn’t be together the first time because we – or rather, I – simply had some growing up to do?
I came across a picture the other day of her and I. A few years ago, at my sister’s wedding (and yes, Nicole did catch the bouquet). In the picture, we’re dancing. Her hand in mine. My arm around the small of her back. Noses almost touching.
And we’re off to the side, almost as if in the picture by pure accident. It seems as if the picture wasn’t supposed to be of us, but somehow, that moment simply had to be caught.
Frozen in time by Fate.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Old Rockers
So this is gonna sound weird because I’ve never listened to a single song by this artist that I can recall.
But Neil Diamond’s new CD – 12 Songs – is one hell of a record.
My dad introduced me to it over Christmas break. He said all of these old rockers are hitting mid-life and getting sentimental. They’ve spent their lives looking all over for the meaning of life. For Truth. Peace. Love.
In many ways, I feel like I’ve already had my mid-life crisis. It’s odd, really. I’m only half way there in terms of years, but considering all my life experiences, I feel far older than my years suggest.
Perhaps it’s a curse. Perhaps it’s a blessing. But I feel like I know exactly what Neil is singing about. It’s been a long and winding road that has led me thru the first 25 years of my life. I am unsure of where the road takes me now.
Of how it will unfold. Will it unfurl straight out in front of me for as long as I can see? Or will it take a sharp turn not a few yards out? Somehow, I get the feeling it will be the latter. I’m not sure I would want it any other way, to be honest.
Would you?
Think about it – would you want an ordinary and predictable road for all the days of your life?
Oh, and my personal favorite on the CD?
“Hell Yeah”
But Neil Diamond’s new CD – 12 Songs – is one hell of a record.
My dad introduced me to it over Christmas break. He said all of these old rockers are hitting mid-life and getting sentimental. They’ve spent their lives looking all over for the meaning of life. For Truth. Peace. Love.
In many ways, I feel like I’ve already had my mid-life crisis. It’s odd, really. I’m only half way there in terms of years, but considering all my life experiences, I feel far older than my years suggest.
Perhaps it’s a curse. Perhaps it’s a blessing. But I feel like I know exactly what Neil is singing about. It’s been a long and winding road that has led me thru the first 25 years of my life. I am unsure of where the road takes me now.
Of how it will unfold. Will it unfurl straight out in front of me for as long as I can see? Or will it take a sharp turn not a few yards out? Somehow, I get the feeling it will be the latter. I’m not sure I would want it any other way, to be honest.
Would you?
Think about it – would you want an ordinary and predictable road for all the days of your life?
Oh, and my personal favorite on the CD?
“Hell Yeah”
Friday, January 13, 2006
Bumper Sticker Brilliance
“War Is Not The Answer”
In a perfect world filled with perfect people, perhaps that statement would be true. But Uptopia, we do not live in.
War is not the answer. Ask the European Jewish population during World War II if that statement is true. My grandfather was there, rushing the beaches at Normandy. He is one of only a handful of men still alive that were there that day. He was there to fight the bad guys – to save those that needed saving – and to right that which was wrong. Europeans cheered him and his comrades as they entered each city. He is a hero.
War is not the answer. Ask Scotland during the early 1300’s if that statement is true. Under the rule of England, they had no freedom. No – war was the ONLY answer. Someone had to stand up and fight for what England was not going to allow them to have. Scotland’s sons rushed the fields at Bannockburn to defy England. They paid the price for what generations since them have benefited from. They were heroes.
War is not the answer. Ask those men and women who were at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 if that statement is true. Japan launched a surprise attack on America that fateful day. Military leaders planned that attack while diplomats engaged in “peace talks” with America. The men and women that fought back that day did so with hands tied behind their backs. Ships were already sunk. Airfields were already leveled. Planes were already destroyed. Crippled – they were still heroes.
No one likes war. I cringe every single time I wake up to the news announcing how many people were killed by terrorists in Iraq the previous day.
I wish to God that bad guys did not exist. That there was no one to fight. But Evil exists and Good must rise up to face it.
Scotland didn’t pick that fight with England. My grandfather didn’t pick that fight with Hitler. America didn’t pick that fight with Japan. Freedom didn’t pick a fight with bin Laden or al-Zarqawi.
Japan. Nazi Germany. Oppressive England. They were all bullies.
Osama bin Laden. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Saddam Hussein. Bullies.
And since bullies only respond to strength, we all must be prepared to be much stronger.
I would love for someone to give “the answer”. What shall we do, sit down and have a cup of chai tea with Osama? I hope and pray that diplomacy will work in future situations – Iran, for example. But sometimes, someone simply has to stand up to the bullies.
In a perfect world filled with perfect people, perhaps that statement would be true. But Uptopia, we do not live in.
War is not the answer. Ask the European Jewish population during World War II if that statement is true. My grandfather was there, rushing the beaches at Normandy. He is one of only a handful of men still alive that were there that day. He was there to fight the bad guys – to save those that needed saving – and to right that which was wrong. Europeans cheered him and his comrades as they entered each city. He is a hero.
War is not the answer. Ask Scotland during the early 1300’s if that statement is true. Under the rule of England, they had no freedom. No – war was the ONLY answer. Someone had to stand up and fight for what England was not going to allow them to have. Scotland’s sons rushed the fields at Bannockburn to defy England. They paid the price for what generations since them have benefited from. They were heroes.
War is not the answer. Ask those men and women who were at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 if that statement is true. Japan launched a surprise attack on America that fateful day. Military leaders planned that attack while diplomats engaged in “peace talks” with America. The men and women that fought back that day did so with hands tied behind their backs. Ships were already sunk. Airfields were already leveled. Planes were already destroyed. Crippled – they were still heroes.
No one likes war. I cringe every single time I wake up to the news announcing how many people were killed by terrorists in Iraq the previous day.
I wish to God that bad guys did not exist. That there was no one to fight. But Evil exists and Good must rise up to face it.
Scotland didn’t pick that fight with England. My grandfather didn’t pick that fight with Hitler. America didn’t pick that fight with Japan. Freedom didn’t pick a fight with bin Laden or al-Zarqawi.
Japan. Nazi Germany. Oppressive England. They were all bullies.
Osama bin Laden. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Saddam Hussein. Bullies.
And since bullies only respond to strength, we all must be prepared to be much stronger.
I would love for someone to give “the answer”. What shall we do, sit down and have a cup of chai tea with Osama? I hope and pray that diplomacy will work in future situations – Iran, for example. But sometimes, someone simply has to stand up to the bullies.
Monday, January 02, 2006
She...
The other night, I was talking to one of my ex-girlfriends. Her current boyfriend of a year had just told her he needed some time off. That some things between he and his ex were still unresolved.
“So....this is the second time a guy has left me for a girl.”
The words broke my heart. I know who the first guy was and I’ll give you one guess to figure it out. I hurt her deeply and I carried that burden for a long, long time. She has forgiven me and that has allowed me to forgive myself. Still, I wish I could erase all that pain just like I wish I could erase the pain she feels now.
Later in the conversation, she made a statement that gave me pause. It was profound in more ways than one and I am grateful I was there to receive those words.
“The one thing in life that I want more than anything...is to be loved. Nothing in the world is greater. And I haven’t had that and I don’t think I’ll ever have that.”
Oh, how that statement pierced my heart. My eyes welled up and I immediately felt 2 very distinct sensations. I felt like a failure. And I felt uplifted.
Failure – Apparently, I never expressed my love for her clearly enough. I know I never said those 3 little words, simply out of pride. But I do love her. I loved her then and I love her, quite possibly, more now. I wish she knew that when we were together.
Uplifted – She gets it. She actually gets it and that fills me with a hope and purity that no words can express. Friends. Family. Soul mates. Nothing in the world is greater than to be loved. No writer or poet could have said it better than she did.
I remember how we spent our first Valentine’s Day together. I coaxed her dorm mate into giving us their room for the night. Before we left for dinner, I secretly did some redecorating and placed some roses upon the bed.
Back from dinner, she found a special touch to those roses. Pinned to their stems, I had written notes with the things that I loved most about her.
Even though it was my hand writing those notes, all of it came from her. It was she that inspired me to do that. That is the thing that is so special about a woman. She is uplifting. She is inspiring. She is beauty.
She is the pinnacle of Creation.
“So....this is the second time a guy has left me for a girl.”
The words broke my heart. I know who the first guy was and I’ll give you one guess to figure it out. I hurt her deeply and I carried that burden for a long, long time. She has forgiven me and that has allowed me to forgive myself. Still, I wish I could erase all that pain just like I wish I could erase the pain she feels now.
Later in the conversation, she made a statement that gave me pause. It was profound in more ways than one and I am grateful I was there to receive those words.
“The one thing in life that I want more than anything...is to be loved. Nothing in the world is greater. And I haven’t had that and I don’t think I’ll ever have that.”
Oh, how that statement pierced my heart. My eyes welled up and I immediately felt 2 very distinct sensations. I felt like a failure. And I felt uplifted.
Failure – Apparently, I never expressed my love for her clearly enough. I know I never said those 3 little words, simply out of pride. But I do love her. I loved her then and I love her, quite possibly, more now. I wish she knew that when we were together.
Uplifted – She gets it. She actually gets it and that fills me with a hope and purity that no words can express. Friends. Family. Soul mates. Nothing in the world is greater than to be loved. No writer or poet could have said it better than she did.
I remember how we spent our first Valentine’s Day together. I coaxed her dorm mate into giving us their room for the night. Before we left for dinner, I secretly did some redecorating and placed some roses upon the bed.
Back from dinner, she found a special touch to those roses. Pinned to their stems, I had written notes with the things that I loved most about her.
Even though it was my hand writing those notes, all of it came from her. It was she that inspired me to do that. That is the thing that is so special about a woman. She is uplifting. She is inspiring. She is beauty.
She is the pinnacle of Creation.
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